Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i know that getting healthy, into shape, should be an important aspect of my life. i want it to be. i seriously have issues with my body, i know i am overweight, i am getting frustrated because it’s hard to find clothes that fit me anymore, and the flab just seems overwhelming.

but i’m finding it hard to keep in mind this importance. i feel like, all of a sudden, overwhelmed, like i’m dealing with so much. idk. i’ve been living at my boyfriend’s family’s house since i got back. when i am not there, the sisters and his dad ask about me, so i know that they somewhat want and need me here, and i’m glad to help at all with everything that is going on. although i really don’t help with housework, i do try to keep an eye on the kids so everything doesn’t get too stressful, and i’m kind of an emotional bounceboard for anybody who needs to talk about anything. and i know me being here helps diffuse bad situations. everybody handles grief differently, and my boyfriend is tending to handle it with anger. i know he can’t help it, and it’s difficult, when you have a short fuse and don’t know why.. but when i’m here i can help cheer him up or listen to him vent about something that might bother him more than it should, and help when there is tension between him and the rest of the family. i’m really close to one of his sisters, and she has been talking to me a lot (dealing with her grief with almost some bitterness and anger at God, and a lot of sadness of course).

so.. i’m glad i’m here but the housing situation doesn’t help a lot with trying to work out (impossible with so many people, next week we are DEFINATELY getting a gym membership, I SWEAR) and eating right (when you are eating emotionally and also so many good foods and big dinners everynight).

then, i’ve been thinking a lot about my faith. the whole family - my boyfriend included - are trying to handle their grief by focusing on faith, which i think is a good thing, and their mom was really spiritual and tried to get them to go to church and everything, so i think part of it is wanting to carry that on, too. not saying these people were athiests before she passed.. but there is a difference between calling yourself a christian and actively participating to try to bring God more fully in your life. you know?

and of course that brings up issues with my boyfriend. we were thinking of getting our own place, but now it’s like … should we? it’s hard trying to reevaluate our relationship, trying to build up a new relationship with a strong foundation, because.. well i mean we have dated before but it always fell apart, and even though i know we have both grown through these years, i want to make this work and work right. but when i try to talk to him more about it (he brings it up) then he doesn’t want to, and it frustrates me because i don’t know where my life is going at all… what i should be doing, where i need to be… idk.

augh. this blog. my blogs always turn out differently than how i expect them to. i’m really frustrated with myself because there are things i want, like trying to get fit, but it’s just hard to keep focused. and then i feel almost… vain… for wanting to focus on this alot. not for wanting to get in shape, i should take care of my body, but i’ve always had the thought, keep in my brain, that if i looked better my life would be better, which is totally silly, but those vain-type thoughts, wanting to be “hot”, makes me feel like a bad person. augh. i need to find a good balance with everything. i’m just so overwhelmed right now.

sorry guys. i really hope i get my focus back soon. i hate typing these poopy blogs

Unfourtunately, earlier than I wanted to be. I had spent my month in Greece, then was backpacking through Italy, actually on my way to Germany when I got some really bad news. My on-again-off-again boyfriend of seven years’ mom just passed away. It was incredibly sudden and unexpected and all I could think about was that I had to get home ASAP. I mean, Europe will always be there, I can go back later, but no way could I enjoy myself there when I knew my “second family” was hurting bad. I mean, she was basically like my second mom… there was a point in my life where I spent more time at their house than I did at mine.

So.. that’s been rough. I’ve been basically living with their family, trying to be strong and comfort them… one thing about funerals, is that everybody sends foods… cookies, cupcakes, brownies… I finally weighed myself yesterday, and I had lost some weight (even though while in Europe my diet consisted of beer, pizza, and gelato LOL) but I know if I don’t do something soon, I will gain it all back. My boyfriend and I are looking at a gym at the local hospital, and I know I need to get a job soon… the main thing right now is eating, because there is constantly food around, and when you don’t know what to do or say.. you eat.. you know?

Hm. Well I think I’m going to go for now, see if there is any room for me again in my old group, and maybe soon I will have photos up if anybody cares to see them. Europe really was pretty great, besides the arriving (my taxi driver in Athens ripped me off 200 euros) and the trying to leave in an emergency (I got stuck in London when my passport was stolen.. US Embassy won’t even help you unless you have money…. wtf??).

Well, I hope everybody here is doing well, and hopefully I get back into the groove soon!

i’m going to be a big fat pig forever and ever and there is nothing i can ever do about it, i just suck at life, and i hate all these people who it’s so easy to be thin, and it pisses me off so much, when i have nothing else ever going for me, and all this shit yeah let’s just make her overweight on top of it, because her life doesn’t suck as much as it possibly could..

i don’t even want to go to europe anymore, just to be so fucking self conscious and worried about how i look constantly and being surrounded by thin beautiful people… i just can’t… do… this

i suck. fuck.

i am.. so estatic right now.

for one day, one WHOLE ENTIRE DAY, i actually did good.. ALL DAY!!!!

for those of you who didn’t get to read my super-happy-vent on the forums, i will explain cuz… i’m long winded like that, lol.

so, for the longest time, i’ve been struggling, as you can see from my weight chart, i’ve gained more than i’ve lost.. boo. i go up and down with exercising, but the really horrible thing is my diet… i binge on junk when i get bored, or upset, or lonely, or.. anything really.

today i started off strong by making myself get up at 6:30 AM to work out. i was really stressin about this, because whenever i try to wake up early, i always snooze my alarm clock and make excuses. it’s sooooooo hard to get out of bed. it was even embedded into my subconscious, because i was dreaming about waking up and doing my workouts lol.

i was going to do our fitness challenges, but… i’m retarded when it comes to trying to do moves that i have to read about and can’t see, so i did a dvd instead.. my yoga booty ballet: goddess booty… it works your tushy, hard core

then i made sure to have a nice, fullfilling breakfast, cereal with lots of fiber and protein, minimal sugar (so hard to find!!!!). and then, off to work i went.

work is usually where my first binge begins. a couple hershey kisses, some cookies from the freezer.. lol. my boss even brought in leftover graduation cake from her daughters party, but somehow.. i resisted!!! i wasn’t even craving that much, it was awesome. i stayed to my diet, and had some yogurt for a snack and then one of those south beach died meals .. the santa fe chicken is yummy yummy! i even added some fresh tomato slices to it, for a veggie :p and i didn’t snack on junk, not at all!!!

then, my coworker wanted to go on a walk after work, so we did that before our pilates class, which is an hour long. by then, though, i really had to pee from all the water i drank, lol, and i was feeling a little tired (i forgot to have a snack beforehand, oopsie) so i didn’t do my best, and was even dragging a little… looking into the mirror made me want to cry a little because i seemed extra short and pudgy today. thinking about it now.. it sucked.

but none of that. becuase i came home, cut up an apple and a nanner for a snack, then went for a two-mile walk with our puppies. usually i try to jog a couple stretches, but i don’t know if it’s because i’ve gained some weight or what, but… it like, hurts to jog. my ankles, my feet, my shins… augh. so i walked. i need to find a better cardio. for a while, during the winter, running was fun… but now i’m like, burnt out on it or something. it doesn’t hold the same appeal.

but no sad faces. lol. i’m going to try to stay positive, because after that, i made a little dinner… okay, it wasn’t super healthy, a frozen burrito, lol… but i had salsa on it, pace, which… does that count as a veggie serving btw? lol. and it fit well below my allotted calories for the day, so much that i let myself have a big bowl of cereal (cap’n crunch.. lol..) without worrying about calories because i know i’m really low today. so… okay, yeah, my dinner wasn’t like really healthy or anything… but… that’s still like, a big step for me so.. even though, it seems like i had my ups and downs today, my night is ending on an up, which is awesome. i just hope this is what i needed.. one day, just one day to do stuff good and keep focused. i imagine it’s like a boulder at the top of a hill. one day gives me the push i need to gain momentum and keep on going down the hill.

corny, right? lol. oh well.

i hope everybody had a great monday! (ironic,yes, lol, sorry!!)

thank you all so much for pushing me and motivating me… i know it took a while.. but hopefully… whiny luka won’t be around as much. i kind of like optimistic luka. she doesn’t give me such a headache

so i was talking to my coworker who has been to greece before; she was talking about running a lot b/c her and her hubby are going on vacation next month to a beach-y area, and she didn’t want to look flabby next to all the beach bunnies, which… this girl teaches pilates, is really tall and thin and she has nothing to worry about. anyway. so, i look at her and reply “how do you think i feel going to greece in a month?!” and she proceeded to tell me about HER time in greece.

 she was 15 lbs lighter (which, omg, i can’t imagine being that tiny) and she wanted to buy pants over there, and their pants are sized S, M, L, XL, etc… not numbers like ours. and.. she was an XL. !!!!!!!!!!!! apparently all the girls are so tiny over there.. which… augh.. just makes me feel worse about myself and my cottage cheese thighs and back rolls. will i ever set foot in the ocean there?!?! maybe fully clothed.. sniff sniff…

i guess they have an 80% bulimic rate, which explains the littleness. but it’s still so intimidating. i know it’s unhealthy, but sometimes i wish i was strong enough to be aneorexic, to say “no” to food… or brave enough to try to make myself throw up. i can’t throw up. ew. but i wish i could. isn’t that messed up??

i suddenly feel much more depressed about my trip

this has nothing to do with weight loss but i need to talk or blog or something and i feel safe here.

my sister flipped her jeep over the side of a hill, and ended up in the hospital. it took about 1/2 an hour to cut her out of the jeep (her airbag didn’t go off), and they think she broke her nose, knee, leg, foot… etc… i say think because our hospital is crappy. but yeah. her nose is all swollen and her lip and shit.

and, i’m going to be the first to say, i’m a horrible sister.

i was worried, yeah. but mostly, i was pissed. because i knew why she wrecked, and that was confirmed tonight. because.. tada.. she was drinking.

and, i knew. i knew she was with her friend drinking when i got home from work, i could tell something was up when they left. i didn’t say anything, because i was annoyed (she is 18, and a senior in high school), and she lies about shit all the time anyway, so she would have denied it and we would have gotten into a fight… whatever.. i’m making excuses, because i should have stopped her, but i didn’t. and she lies to me about everything, smoking, drinking, whatever. i used to care, but i’ve gotten to the point where i’m so mad that she lies, and doesn’t confide in me, and everybody makes excuses for her, that i sometimes think, whatever, let her do what she wants, she will learn her lesson eventually.

and now, this has happened, and i’m a horrible sister for ever thinking that.

and what’s worse, is everybody is babying her and nobody is upset and i should be worried about her and wanting her to get better, but all i can think about is how mad i am that she did that and nobody seems to care, and she is going to get all this babying attention, and .. it doesn’t seem right. she made my mom almost pass out and freak out from worrying her daughter was going to die, and it pisses me off. i dont know.

i have all these thoughts in my head, and i just know i’m this awful, mean, person who isn’t caring or sympathetic or anything, and my mom has told me not to be mad at her, but i can’t help it, i can’t just forgive her and let this all be forgotten. this could have happened so many times, it’s amazing it’s been this long. and i think back to all the times this could have happened to my parents. i feel like i’m the only sane responsible one, and i hate it.

and, i’m going to admit this.

think badly of me, if you want, nobody could think worse of myself than i am right now.

but, a little part of me was thinking…. funny… ironic… how… i always imagine myself getting in a bad car wreck.. but it happens to her instead….

idk…..

i just needed to talk. but im really tired. so.. idk.

so today officially kind of starts the new weight-loss week. last week, i didn’t work out as much as i could have, athough i’ve been walking more. i tried counting calories, and i got to about midday or so before i gave up on it and started overreating so.. i gained .5lb. which sucks.. but at least it’s not my normal 2 or something. lol. and, i did get discouraged last week, but that really didn’t happen until around thursday, versus usually i throw in the towel about monday or tuesday… so i think that’s a good improvement, for me anyway

this week had the potential for starting off bad… i laid in bed past noon, not really wanting to get up, feeling really bad about myself.. thinking, nothing is going on today, i’ll prolly just get up and bum around, eat a lot of junk, etc. eventually i made myself get up and it looked sunny out, so i went outside and it was sooooooooooooo nice. like, absolutely beautiful. so i went for a walk with the wiener dog 2 miles (i think, we live in the country lol so everything is kind of in one-mile blocks) and i jogged a bit of it.. prolly about 3/4 of a mile. very slow jogging, mind you, lol. but it felt good

and, i got back, and was in a good mood, so i lifted weights. woo. go me.

ANNNND our family decided to grill, since it’s so nice.. but instead of gorging myself on cheeseburgers, i had them throw a chicken on the grill for me. yummm. and full of protein. yay.

so, it’s safe to say i’m in a good mood, and i really would like this to last all week. i might try mentally splitting my week up in half, with a mini-weigh in on wednesday, because right now it’s hard to keep up the motivation the entire week (although i’m getting better), so if i think “i only have to make it to wednesday” and then to saturday, maybe it will be a good lifter for me, to check in on myself and see how i’m doing.

i really want to do stuff today, i wish i had a workout buddy or somebody i could hang out with or do stuff with that’s the only thing about dieting and trying to get healthy, it’s easier with somebody with you. although this site has helped a lot.

so.. that’s been my sunday. i hope everybody is having a great weekend!!! xoxo.

so i’m sitting here at work, crying and feeling sorry for myself. i feel like an idiot.

i managed to keep temptation at bay for a couple hours, but, of  course, me being ME… i completely inhaled all these cookies, kisses, mini peanut butter cups… everything. part of me is angry that this stuff is ALWAYS AROUND, and i seem to be the only one who gets fat when i eat it. but the main part of me knows i shouldn’t blame anybody but myself, and .. that sucks.

i suck. i’m a sucky person. yes, this is a pity party, i know.. it’s pathetic. i just can’t get past this, and it bugs the hell out of me. why do i struggle with food, when i KNOW i will get fatter and i KNOW i will feel like shit afterwards? why ME? augh.

i’m leaving in a month. i’m totally hideous, i made the mistake of trying on a swimsuit the other day, and i wanted to hang myself. i can’t do anything because i’m so self-conscious, in the back of my mind is the nigling thought that i’m a big cow and nobody will ever like me and i’ll never be pretty and i’ll just waste away my youth and never be happy in life ever.

my sister is overweight, weighs more than i do, yet she like.. pulls it off, and she looks damn cute, and it pisses me off, because i just look horribly disgusting.

i really want to lose weight so badly more than i’ve wanted anything yet i keep sabotouging myself and i HATE THAT yet i can’t stop.. it’s like, i’m my own worst enemy and i don’t know what to do!!!!

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

so, i lost a pound which… i don’t know, i might be getting overly excited about it, but i’m really happy. even though i lose here or there, as you can see by my chart, my weight steadily goes up anyway, lol. so… hopefully this is the beginning of a downward streak for me. i tried writing down what i ate, and got about half the day before i started eating stuff that i didn’t KNOW how many calories were in (ex. homemade cookies… augh) and then i gave up, kinda. and, i started jogging/walking with our dog, so.. maybe that helped!

all i know is i was semi-committed last week, and i lost a pound. so.. if i really dedicate myself this week, who knows how much i could lose? i’m really excited and motivated, which.. is such a nice feeling, i just want to KEEP IT!!! LOL.

we went grocery shopping last night, and i didn’t get any bread (i end up eating like, five slices in a sitting, lol.. i LOVE BREAD), and some good high fiber cereal (which, it’s SO hard to find cereal that is 1) high fiber 2) low sugar and 3) moderate calories.. i almost had a fit right there in the aisle, lol). it’s so much easier to stick to a diet when you start your morning off right… yeah, cheesy i know.

oh, and i got a billy blanks dvd… i love his workouts, i have a couple bootcamp dvds and a vcr tape i really loved but is in storage. i’ve been doing pilates classes, and i’m going to start walking and jogging more with our dog, plus alternate days of weights (abs/arms/back one day and legs/butt the next), so… yay.

oh, and if anybody has any really great exercises they like (that i can do at home with free weights), let me know! i’m trying to make an exercise regimine schedule today, and it’s hard to find exercises i like and that i feel are worth doing, you know? so…

w00t.

the other day i had this little mini-epiphany thingie.

i had two hour-massages, back to back.

the first lady was really thin, almost skeletal, and she wasn’t really “mean” persay, just.. kind of aloof and gave off a weird vibe that that made me feel a little uncomfortable, like .. i can’t explain it. it’s that vibe you get when you get around people and you have a feeling they don’t like you, but you have no logical reason for it, but you just feel kind of judged and uncomfortable around them. you know? she could have been a perfectly nice lady, but i didn’t feel that really.

then, the second lady was one of my regulars, and she was the complete opposite. a bigger lady, although so so incredibly nice and sweet and open, i absolutely love this lady, lol. and she is a great tipper. (note to readers: tip your massage therapists, hair stylists, pedicurists, etc..!!!)

and, it just made me think. okay: here was a lady who was all skinny, no weight problems, yet i didn’t mesh well with her. and then, this other lady who was overweight yet just so friendly and one of those people who you can’t help but like.

for the longest time, i’ve looked at myself as in, if i looked good, i’d be happy. if i was thinner, at my “goal weight”, and looked like the “Girls Next Door” or something, my life would be perfect: i’d have lots of friends, lots of confidence and esteem, a loving boyfriend, everything would fall into place.

but then i kind of realized… well.. that just isn’t reality. looks aren’t everything. i’ve let my weight and my looks keep me feeling so uncomfortable about myself, so self-conscious and out of place, that i began thinking of it as the root of all my problems. and .. it’s just weight. i’m not perfect. i’m not a movie star, with millions of dollars and unlimited time to devote to working out and hiring a nutritionist and ordering exotic health foods. i’m me, and i can try my best to fit in a work out and say no to that second oreo jello pudding cup (omg, so good btw).

i guess.. i have this emotion in my head, and it’s so hard to articulate. i’m not saying i’m going to let myself gain all this weight and eat whatever and get fatter and still be happy with myself. i gained quite a bit of weight, and it’s not really healthy, and i would love to get in shape and be able to do stuff physically that i couldn’t before (my goal: i’m taking pilates on the ball classes to strengthen my core and learn to do all those funky moves, hehe). i’m just saying, even if i never get down to 125 or anything, that’s okay too. i want to get to a weight and a point in my life where i love to be physical (whether it’s sculpting time out to work out, or just fooling around with friends or something) and where i can enjoy healthy foods but still indulge once in a while in yummy treats (which means no obsessing about food). am i rambling? i feel like i am.

i finally did a weigh in, and i’ve gone up, and i expected that. but, the weird thing is, even though i weigh more, i feel almost a little bit better about myself. i still notice the belly pooch and the flabby tricepts and the back rolls… augh… but, it’s not like.. a life or death, ‘omg i’m hideous’ mentality. and, i went to the gym (in the MORNING!) and started running again, and it made me feel.. good. lately, it seemed when i worked out, i couldn’t get through half an hour even, because i was bored or tired or just plain unmotivated. it just seems like everything is falling into place, and i’m more optimistic about my life. which is a great feeling. i just hope it lasts

 oh, and i have another thing to look forward to. i turn 21 in september, and i think i want to go to vegas with a couple friends for my birthday. (i’m not a big gambler or anything, but i just finished watching ‘oceans 13′ lol) and… you can’t go to vegas 21 and chunky although, i’ve been told that i’ll prolly lose weight in europe from all the healthy foods and walking and stuff, so that will be nice too

i hope everybody has a kickass weekend, and thanks for bearing through my ramblings and all my pessimism. this is shaping up to be a new great week, as long as i can keep ahold of ‘happy luka’ .. lol.