Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i am.. so estatic right now.

for one day, one WHOLE ENTIRE DAY, i actually did good.. ALL DAY!!!!

for those of you who didn’t get to read my super-happy-vent on the forums, i will explain cuz… i’m long winded like that, lol.

so, for the longest time, i’ve been struggling, as you can see from my weight chart, i’ve gained more than i’ve lost.. boo. i go up and down with exercising, but the really horrible thing is my diet… i binge on junk when i get bored, or upset, or lonely, or.. anything really.

today i started off strong by making myself get up at 6:30 AM to work out. i was really stressin about this, because whenever i try to wake up early, i always snooze my alarm clock and make excuses. it’s sooooooo hard to get out of bed. it was even embedded into my subconscious, because i was dreaming about waking up and doing my workouts lol.

i was going to do our fitness challenges, but… i’m retarded when it comes to trying to do moves that i have to read about and can’t see, so i did a dvd instead.. my yoga booty ballet: goddess booty… it works your tushy, hard core

then i made sure to have a nice, fullfilling breakfast, cereal with lots of fiber and protein, minimal sugar (so hard to find!!!!). and then, off to work i went.

work is usually where my first binge begins. a couple hershey kisses, some cookies from the freezer.. lol. my boss even brought in leftover graduation cake from her daughters party, but somehow.. i resisted!!! i wasn’t even craving that much, it was awesome. i stayed to my diet, and had some yogurt for a snack and then one of those south beach died meals .. the santa fe chicken is yummy yummy! i even added some fresh tomato slices to it, for a veggie :p and i didn’t snack on junk, not at all!!!

then, my coworker wanted to go on a walk after work, so we did that before our pilates class, which is an hour long. by then, though, i really had to pee from all the water i drank, lol, and i was feeling a little tired (i forgot to have a snack beforehand, oopsie) so i didn’t do my best, and was even dragging a little… looking into the mirror made me want to cry a little because i seemed extra short and pudgy today. thinking about it now.. it sucked.

but none of that. becuase i came home, cut up an apple and a nanner for a snack, then went for a two-mile walk with our puppies. usually i try to jog a couple stretches, but i don’t know if it’s because i’ve gained some weight or what, but… it like, hurts to jog. my ankles, my feet, my shins… augh. so i walked. i need to find a better cardio. for a while, during the winter, running was fun… but now i’m like, burnt out on it or something. it doesn’t hold the same appeal.

but no sad faces. lol. i’m going to try to stay positive, because after that, i made a little dinner… okay, it wasn’t super healthy, a frozen burrito, lol… but i had salsa on it, pace, which… does that count as a veggie serving btw? lol. and it fit well below my allotted calories for the day, so much that i let myself have a big bowl of cereal (cap’n crunch.. lol..) without worrying about calories because i know i’m really low today. so… okay, yeah, my dinner wasn’t like really healthy or anything… but… that’s still like, a big step for me so.. even though, it seems like i had my ups and downs today, my night is ending on an up, which is awesome. i just hope this is what i needed.. one day, just one day to do stuff good and keep focused. i imagine it’s like a boulder at the top of a hill. one day gives me the push i need to gain momentum and keep on going down the hill.

corny, right? lol. oh well.

i hope everybody had a great monday! (ironic,yes, lol, sorry!!)

thank you all so much for pushing me and motivating me… i know it took a while.. but hopefully… whiny luka won’t be around as much. i kind of like optimistic luka. she doesn’t give me such a headache

so i was talking to my coworker who has been to greece before; she was talking about running a lot b/c her and her hubby are going on vacation next month to a beach-y area, and she didn’t want to look flabby next to all the beach bunnies, which… this girl teaches pilates, is really tall and thin and she has nothing to worry about. anyway. so, i look at her and reply “how do you think i feel going to greece in a month?!” and she proceeded to tell me about HER time in greece.

 she was 15 lbs lighter (which, omg, i can’t imagine being that tiny) and she wanted to buy pants over there, and their pants are sized S, M, L, XL, etc… not numbers like ours. and.. she was an XL. !!!!!!!!!!!! apparently all the girls are so tiny over there.. which… augh.. just makes me feel worse about myself and my cottage cheese thighs and back rolls. will i ever set foot in the ocean there?!?! maybe fully clothed.. sniff sniff…

i guess they have an 80% bulimic rate, which explains the littleness. but it’s still so intimidating. i know it’s unhealthy, but sometimes i wish i was strong enough to be aneorexic, to say “no” to food… or brave enough to try to make myself throw up. i can’t throw up. ew. but i wish i could. isn’t that messed up??

i suddenly feel much more depressed about my trip

so today officially kind of starts the new weight-loss week. last week, i didn’t work out as much as i could have, athough i’ve been walking more. i tried counting calories, and i got to about midday or so before i gave up on it and started overreating so.. i gained .5lb. which sucks.. but at least it’s not my normal 2 or something. lol. and, i did get discouraged last week, but that really didn’t happen until around thursday, versus usually i throw in the towel about monday or tuesday… so i think that’s a good improvement, for me anyway

this week had the potential for starting off bad… i laid in bed past noon, not really wanting to get up, feeling really bad about myself.. thinking, nothing is going on today, i’ll prolly just get up and bum around, eat a lot of junk, etc. eventually i made myself get up and it looked sunny out, so i went outside and it was sooooooooooooo nice. like, absolutely beautiful. so i went for a walk with the wiener dog 2 miles (i think, we live in the country lol so everything is kind of in one-mile blocks) and i jogged a bit of it.. prolly about 3/4 of a mile. very slow jogging, mind you, lol. but it felt good

and, i got back, and was in a good mood, so i lifted weights. woo. go me.

ANNNND our family decided to grill, since it’s so nice.. but instead of gorging myself on cheeseburgers, i had them throw a chicken on the grill for me. yummm. and full of protein. yay.

so, it’s safe to say i’m in a good mood, and i really would like this to last all week. i might try mentally splitting my week up in half, with a mini-weigh in on wednesday, because right now it’s hard to keep up the motivation the entire week (although i’m getting better), so if i think “i only have to make it to wednesday” and then to saturday, maybe it will be a good lifter for me, to check in on myself and see how i’m doing.

i really want to do stuff today, i wish i had a workout buddy or somebody i could hang out with or do stuff with that’s the only thing about dieting and trying to get healthy, it’s easier with somebody with you. although this site has helped a lot.

so.. that’s been my sunday. i hope everybody is having a great weekend!!! xoxo.

i’ve been good all day, woke myself up to walk/jog, had a good breakfast, etc.. and now i’m at work and it’s like, i’ve inhaled three cookies and a couple mini-kit-kats and mini-reeses-cups.

yeah, i’m hungry, so that’s part of it. i should prolly eat something healthy and fullfilling versus something junky.

but then.. idk. i think i’m a little stressed. last friday i blocked myself out of work, stayed home, took a break.. and apparently my boss got really pissed and was complaining about me to the other workers and stuff. which, i used to love my job, but it got all messed up when everybody started arguring and quitting and now it’s stress and drama, which i wasn’t even apart of but somehow i’m starting to be? anyway, so that happened, and i didn’t realize it would be a big deal i wasn’t there. i am technically a massage therapist, although i don’t have a lot of clientele, so i’m still on hourly, so i’m like, a receptionist too. which, is fine, but most people i think are starting to think of me as JUST a receptionist, and since we are low on staff, i’m here a LOT, doing reception-y stuff. and so.. they expect me to be here.

which, i understand when you are busy and the phones are ringing and the tanners are backed up and you are behind.. that sucks. i’m starting to feel guilty when i’m NOT at work, and THAT sucks, because it’s a job. my boss should take on the responsibility of hiring somebody else, and not leaving me to take up the slack. and it’s like, okay what if i came in that friday, but had a bunch of massage appointments? it would be the same thing (only worse b/c the extra laundry), they can’t count on me all the time. *sigh*

anyway. one of the girls was talking about it today, which, we get along fine, but she was telling me how our boss was complaining to her, then she went off kinda about how this is the only job i’ll have that will be that flexible and etc, and she was really kind of putting me in a bad mood. she hates this job more than i do, but the fact that she feels she has to tell me how the “real world is” or whatever.. like.. she was above me and knew more or something, and it really bothered me for some reason. does that make sense?

so.. i was stressed and annoyed about that, and i ate. grr.

now i feel a little sicky.

half of me wants to drink lots of water and do something to get my mind off this, and walking around a little helped me realize i don’t really need the junk.

the other half is screaming “CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE!!” and wants to eat even though i know i’ll get even more sicky and i’ll hate myself and rue my blubberous body.

i normally would just eat more, but i’m going to try to be STRONG AND NOT EAT ANYMORE JUNK FOOD. lots of water, distractions, .. idk. i can do this.

right?

today was very roller-coaster-ish.

i didn’t have to work, and i had planned with my mom to go shopping for my sister’s 18th birthday tomorrow. we weren’t planning on leaving until ten or eleven, so i was like “sweet, enough time to wake up early and workout”

no. i slept in. i suck.

i am completely HORRIBLE at getting myself out of bed. any tricks for that???

 so, i felt poopy. but, i had an apple and yogurt for breakfast, and water before we headed off, so i was feeling good.

then, we stopped for lunch.

my mom loves village inn, and always gets the cobb salad, which i was like, fine, i can get a salad, too, no big deal. but for some reason, she decided she DIDN’T want a salad, and i did the very very bad thing of looking at the menu, and then i became completely confused. i got a bacon cheeseburger (comes with fries) and my mom got an omelette (comes with hashbrowns and pancakes).. we ended up splitting our meals so both of us had half of each. safe to say, i ate a lot, but it didn’t *feel* like a lot, but my mom made the comment about me eating a lot.. so… grr. i didn’t feel stuffed though. but i knew in my head i ate too many calories. which, that is bad when you don’t feel like how much you ate. i DON’T want my stomach getting used to having tons of food, you know??

augh, i can’t concentrate ,my parents are being loud. okay. anyway.

we went shopping next, and this guy came up and started hitting on me, which was funny and a little ego boosting. first he asked if we were sisters (duh, that was definately a line), and then said i was beautiful and wanted to give me his number? oh, and he said he thought i looked 21, 22, which was good, because most people think i’m still in high school (i’m 20). but… a little part of me starting thinking, okay, what if it was a bet with friends, try to find a fat, ugly girl to hit on or something.. you know? so… that kind of let the air out of my balloon. idk.

uummm.. we went into vanity, and if you guys don’t know the store, i always want to go in it but the clothes are so cute, they look like it’s skinnies-only. but i got a couple pants, which is AWESOME because since i’ve gained weight i can’t fit into my old pants (SUCKS) so i’ve been wearing my sister’s (UGH). plus, the sizes aren’t numbered (ie, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, etc..), they are labeled by inches (waist x inseam), so that doesn’t make me feel bad, because i’m not used to those types of labeling, so i’m completely ignorant about my size. lol. does that make sense?

then, i went down a little more when i was trying on shirts.. usually shirts are easiest for me to find, but again.. i’ve gotten fat. back rolls are SO prominent in shirts, as well as my tummy pudge and my huge flabby triceps. i got only one shirt, and it’s white and pink stripes.. thick horizontal. i thought it would look bad because horizontal stripes are supposed to make you look wider, but they also help hide my back rolls (they blend into the fabric lol) so it’s all good. my arms are still flabby though.

ummmmm. then we went to a couple other stores, got my sister a present, which made me happy, and went to walmart and tried on a swimsuit, which made me super depressed.

i just finished baking her cake, it’s a two-layer-triple-chocolate type thing, with pink cream cheese frosting and melted white chocolate drizzles. all homemade i’m going to add a photo to show you all, i’m so proud lol. my goal is to NOT EAT THAT TOMORROW. which, we are doing it in the morning before she goes to school, so i should be good.

right after work, we are going to blacklight-mini-golf and out to dinner, so i won’t be able to work out, so i am going to get up and work out!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!! lol. i saw a picture of britney spears and how good she is looking, and i want to do that. ideally i’d love to lose the back rolls, thin my thighs and arms, and lose my belly pooch by the time i leave for europe, but that’s the beginning of june, so… that probably isn’t reality. if i pushed myself and worked out a lot, and didn’t eat ANY junk at all, maybe. i need something to keep my motivation up all day long. hmmm. any suggestions??

so, i am off, i hope everybody has a good hump day tomorrow!!!

so, i jogged/walked this morning (mostly a walk though lol), and figured i’d do some weight stuff later on this afternoon. i got caught up in a book and freshly laundered sheets (oh so warm) and realized that it was getting dark out and i should prolly do something before i get entirely unmotivated.

i went into my parent’s room (where all the weight stuff is) and went to put in a dvd to watch while i was working out, and the stupid dvd player won’t work.

it’s been acting up for a while, you have to hit it to make it open up, and it randomly replays scenes and stuff, but after you get the hang of it’s quirks, it works out okay.

not tonight. i couldn’t get it open for the life of me, then shut, then when it loads, it says it’s loaded but it doesn’t play anything…

and after wrestling with it for a while, i got entirely too pissed off and just came downstairs. i have half a mind to binge eat, but my stomach kind of hurts ? and i don’t want to eat when i’m pissed. so… i won’t. which is good. but i wanted to work out, and i hate that angry-giving-up feeling. i can’t do anything downstairs because PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS HERE. it’s not that i’m antisocial or anything, i just like being able to be FREE in my own house… there are always people over and my sister’s boyfriend has been practically living here for the past four months, and it really annoys me, because i can’t like, pop in a yoga dvd or billy blanks or something when i’m afraid somebody is going to come in and stare or make fun of me (i hate exercising when people can see me, i’m only now getting semi-comfortable in a gym-type atmosphere, because EVERYBODY is working out, not just me, lol).

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

that, and when i get upset, i’ve started clenching my front teeth, and they grind together, and it’s not a fun feeling. i hate it.

i’m so upset. augh. i want to binge. but i’m not going to damnit!!!!

i really want to work out i’m going to try the dvd-player from hell again. wish me luck.

so, i lost a pound which… i don’t know, i might be getting overly excited about it, but i’m really happy. even though i lose here or there, as you can see by my chart, my weight steadily goes up anyway, lol. so… hopefully this is the beginning of a downward streak for me. i tried writing down what i ate, and got about half the day before i started eating stuff that i didn’t KNOW how many calories were in (ex. homemade cookies… augh) and then i gave up, kinda. and, i started jogging/walking with our dog, so.. maybe that helped!

all i know is i was semi-committed last week, and i lost a pound. so.. if i really dedicate myself this week, who knows how much i could lose? i’m really excited and motivated, which.. is such a nice feeling, i just want to KEEP IT!!! LOL.

we went grocery shopping last night, and i didn’t get any bread (i end up eating like, five slices in a sitting, lol.. i LOVE BREAD), and some good high fiber cereal (which, it’s SO hard to find cereal that is 1) high fiber 2) low sugar and 3) moderate calories.. i almost had a fit right there in the aisle, lol). it’s so much easier to stick to a diet when you start your morning off right… yeah, cheesy i know.

oh, and i got a billy blanks dvd… i love his workouts, i have a couple bootcamp dvds and a vcr tape i really loved but is in storage. i’ve been doing pilates classes, and i’m going to start walking and jogging more with our dog, plus alternate days of weights (abs/arms/back one day and legs/butt the next), so… yay.

oh, and if anybody has any really great exercises they like (that i can do at home with free weights), let me know! i’m trying to make an exercise regimine schedule today, and it’s hard to find exercises i like and that i feel are worth doing, you know? so…

w00t.

things that should be motivating me to lose weight

1) going to europe in A MONTH. OMG. i seriously don’t want to be the “stereotypical overweight american”. i want to look good on the beach, DAMNIT. plus, backpacking = serious aerobic activity = not pretty if i’m gasping for air

2) turning 21 in september. so, i gotta look good by then, especially if i end up going clubbing or to vegas or something. looking at my photos from my last birthday made me realize that i looked good then (isn’t it funny how you think you’re fat, until you gain more weight, and *then* think you’re fat, and wish you could look like you did back when? which brings me to…

3) i don’t want to look back on *this* time in my life, thinking, i look good. this is the most i have weighed EVER and i don’t want to go ANY HIGHER. if i hit 170, i will break down.

4) halloween. i haven’t really celebrated it in years. i NEED to celebrate halloween, and not just the “stuff your face full of candy” part, which means i need to find people to celebrate it with, and find a kickass costume.

5) my sister’s graduating in less than a month, and i’ve been designated tiki-bartender, which means i gotta wear a cute outfit if i’m going to make tips for my trip. LOL.

6) everybody on this site. i’m a fitness fanatic, damnit, and i’m tired of letting my team down!!! everybody has been so helpful and nice and compassionate to my whining, and i want to show them that i can do it, and be a motivation for anybody else.. because, if i can do it, the laziest, most pessimistic person on this site, then ANYONE can.

7) the exes. okay, this might be a superficial reason. but my exes have been pissing me off, one in particular, when the only time he isn’t a douchebag is when he is high, and that is sad. i need to show them what they gave up, and stop feeling like the victim and letting them affect me like they are. who are they to make me depressed and binge eat? they don’t have that power. oh, and this guy, who technically isn’t an ex, but hit on me hardcore, and i found out he has a girlfriend already — and is always talking about how he draws the line at “fat chicks”. pig. like he thinks he’s that great.

myself. my own esteem. i’m tired of feeling so self-concious, and looking at other girls and wishing i was them. i am in awe of my pilates instructor (and coworker), but instead of being jealous and thinking “i can never do that”, i’m going to just keep doing it until i get those flat abs and can lift my legs over my head. i mean, look at all the things you can accomplish when you are fit. yes, a lot of it is about losing weight and looking good. but a big part of it is fitness too, and not being out of breath, and being able to run around, and do pilates type stuff. i mean… not taking your body for granted, and being in awe of what it can accomplish, if you treat it right.

so, that’s what i came up with right now. a lot of them may be superficial, but i just need to keep finding things to motivate me, and to think about when i get upset and reach for that tenth cookie or second bag of reeses’ minature peanut butter cups. i thought once i quit my second job, with donuts and cheeseballs galore, i would lose weight — instead, i’ve gained, i guess because i found substitutions at home and at my other job. i need to say no.

some people smoke, some are alcoholics, some are crackheads, everybody has their vice. i’m addicted to food, to the happy receptors food puts off in my brain, and that isn’t right. i can’t stuff this hole i’m feeling with food. it’s going to kill me like all those other vices; and if it doesn’t, it will certainly break my spirit, as i’ve already shown it’s starting to do. but i can stop it. i just need to be strong…. and have lots and lots of buddies, LOL.

oh and

9) being able to wear my own clothes. i’ve had to wear my sister’s jeans, since mine don’t fit anymore… and usually her shirts, because mine are getting tight to the point where you can see my back rolls (ew) and my belly pudge. boo.

help me!!!!!!!!

the other day i had this little mini-epiphany thingie.

i had two hour-massages, back to back.

the first lady was really thin, almost skeletal, and she wasn’t really “mean” persay, just.. kind of aloof and gave off a weird vibe that that made me feel a little uncomfortable, like .. i can’t explain it. it’s that vibe you get when you get around people and you have a feeling they don’t like you, but you have no logical reason for it, but you just feel kind of judged and uncomfortable around them. you know? she could have been a perfectly nice lady, but i didn’t feel that really.

then, the second lady was one of my regulars, and she was the complete opposite. a bigger lady, although so so incredibly nice and sweet and open, i absolutely love this lady, lol. and she is a great tipper. (note to readers: tip your massage therapists, hair stylists, pedicurists, etc..!!!)

and, it just made me think. okay: here was a lady who was all skinny, no weight problems, yet i didn’t mesh well with her. and then, this other lady who was overweight yet just so friendly and one of those people who you can’t help but like.

for the longest time, i’ve looked at myself as in, if i looked good, i’d be happy. if i was thinner, at my “goal weight”, and looked like the “Girls Next Door” or something, my life would be perfect: i’d have lots of friends, lots of confidence and esteem, a loving boyfriend, everything would fall into place.

but then i kind of realized… well.. that just isn’t reality. looks aren’t everything. i’ve let my weight and my looks keep me feeling so uncomfortable about myself, so self-conscious and out of place, that i began thinking of it as the root of all my problems. and .. it’s just weight. i’m not perfect. i’m not a movie star, with millions of dollars and unlimited time to devote to working out and hiring a nutritionist and ordering exotic health foods. i’m me, and i can try my best to fit in a work out and say no to that second oreo jello pudding cup (omg, so good btw).

i guess.. i have this emotion in my head, and it’s so hard to articulate. i’m not saying i’m going to let myself gain all this weight and eat whatever and get fatter and still be happy with myself. i gained quite a bit of weight, and it’s not really healthy, and i would love to get in shape and be able to do stuff physically that i couldn’t before (my goal: i’m taking pilates on the ball classes to strengthen my core and learn to do all those funky moves, hehe). i’m just saying, even if i never get down to 125 or anything, that’s okay too. i want to get to a weight and a point in my life where i love to be physical (whether it’s sculpting time out to work out, or just fooling around with friends or something) and where i can enjoy healthy foods but still indulge once in a while in yummy treats (which means no obsessing about food). am i rambling? i feel like i am.

i finally did a weigh in, and i’ve gone up, and i expected that. but, the weird thing is, even though i weigh more, i feel almost a little bit better about myself. i still notice the belly pooch and the flabby tricepts and the back rolls… augh… but, it’s not like.. a life or death, ‘omg i’m hideous’ mentality. and, i went to the gym (in the MORNING!) and started running again, and it made me feel.. good. lately, it seemed when i worked out, i couldn’t get through half an hour even, because i was bored or tired or just plain unmotivated. it just seems like everything is falling into place, and i’m more optimistic about my life. which is a great feeling. i just hope it lasts

 oh, and i have another thing to look forward to. i turn 21 in september, and i think i want to go to vegas with a couple friends for my birthday. (i’m not a big gambler or anything, but i just finished watching ‘oceans 13′ lol) and… you can’t go to vegas 21 and chunky although, i’ve been told that i’ll prolly lose weight in europe from all the healthy foods and walking and stuff, so that will be nice too

i hope everybody has a kickass weekend, and thanks for bearing through my ramblings and all my pessimism. this is shaping up to be a new great week, as long as i can keep ahold of ‘happy luka’ .. lol.

i don’t even know where to start, but i feel like i want to blog or talk to somebody and let out all these thoughts and feelings that are taking over my head. it’s safe here, because none of you really know me anyway, so i can say whatever i want and not worry about anything. i can’t blog like this on myspace.

yesterday on my way home from work i stopped at the gas station and just like… broke down and started bawling. then, all the way home. it felt like every single bad thing in my entire life had happened at once and i couldn’t cope anymore.

i just… really hate myself. i hate how i look. this is the fattest i’ve ever been. way back in november, i started dieting and working out, trying to lose weight for my trip to europe, in june. i was about 145 then, and i figured that would give me enough time, about 6 months, to get down to my goal: 125. i wanted to be beautiful and skinny, look good in a bikini, and thought that if i lost weight, i would like myself and would be confident and open to other people.

i’ve never been really out and open like the rest of my family. my sister and my mom are both loud, outgoing, can be obnoxious yet everyone loves them and says they are great and hilarious. i don’t have anything going for me. i don’t have the personality like they do, so i have to have looks. i can’t be a dull, fat, ugly person, then i’ll never have anyone love me. i’m not one of those bigger people who can make up for it by having this super great personality. you know? i have nothing to offer anybody.

so, for a while i was losing weight, and even got down to 139, whcih was the lowest i’ve been in a long, long time. then.. i don’t know what the hell happened. suddenly, i was gaining 8 pounds in one week, and before i knew it, i was 162. ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY TWO. i mean… it may not sound like a lot to some of you guys, and i hate doing that, making my problems so big when i know a lot of people are 200+ pounds and stuff. maybe i’m just selfish and overreacting. but i have never been this big in my life. a lot of it was emotional binge eating. but.. now it’s not really bingeing, it’s just overeating. at least, when i binged, i felt horribly guilty aftewards. now, that guilt is starting to wear away, and overeating is becoming just a regular part of my daily life, and i hate that.

i was to the point where i could just, run on the treadmill, it seemed like forever, and i felt great. now, i’m on there for five minutes and i hate it. my legs hurt, my ankles and feet hurt, i even bought new shoes, and it didn’t help. i think i’m just so heavy, i can’t do the things i used to be able to do, and that is so depressing. i hate starting out slow. i’m an all or nothing girl. either i watch every bite of food that i eat and exercise relgiously, or i overeat excessively and lay around, watching tv.

yesterday, i spent all day online at work looking at how to lose weight. part of me has been considering using cocaine, for a while now. i even looked it up, people who have used it, who say they don’t have problems with it. no, i don’t want to be a cracked out skanky person. but i want to be thin. and that can make that happen. it’s an easy way out, and i’m beginning to think i can’t make it on my own. i need something. i just… don’t have the willpower to do it all on my own.

i probably won’t do it, i don’t even know how i would get it. the only person i know of is one of my ex’s, who is a big pothead, and he’s done it once but said he wouldn’t do it again because it would be too addictive for him, so i don’t even know if he would let me do it. but i can’t help but think that it’s an option. i just want something, anything, to make me not want to eat. i hate being ruled by food, by never having any control. i hate it. it makes me feel so helpless, and makes me fatter, and then i hate myself more.

then, while looking up stuff about that, i came across another thing people use. apparently, drugs like adderall and ritalin, originally intended for ADHD, i think, supress appetites really good. although, i have no idea how i would get that… i don’t think i could just go to my doctor and ask for a prescription.

i just want to be pretty. i’ve never been noticed, i was always the girl in the classroom, who didn’t have a social life so i did good in school, but i was always too afriad to try out for sports or anything becuase i always knew i wasn’t good enough and couldn’t make it like the other girls.

i know i’m only 20, but i feel like my life is pointless now. it’s like.. high school was the best part of life. that’s where you meet friends, go out and have fun, go to parties, get involved with just.. anything. that’s where you create yourself. and now… what do i have to look forward to? working for the rest of my life? i’ll never have a boyfriend again, i’m too fat and dull, besides, the only guys that are ‘attracted’ to me are emotionally constipated, bad guys… i mean.. all of my ex’s have been either alcoholics (actually going to AA) or potheads, lied to me about what they did, who they hung out with, were still hung up on other girls, or just used me thinking i was easy. apparently i give off that vibe. i’m never going to find somebody, i’m never going to have kids or a family. i don’t even know if i want kids… i think i’d just mess them up too much, and.. i just feel so selfish all the time. i don’t want to be one of those moms who sends her daughter off to prom wishing she could go. but that’s where i am. i am regretting all the things i never did and all the things i should have done, and could have made my life better, and i can’t see anything ahead looking forward to. does that make sense? i mean, everyone thinks 20 is so young, but apparently it’s old enough to have a mid-life crisis. this is supposed to be the prime time of my life. this is the time where i’m supposed to be hot and go out dancing and having fun and then, when i’m older, i can look back on this time as a good time in my life, where i was pretty and fun and had a life actually. it’s so depressing watching antm or pussycat dolls search or commercials for girls gone wild, knowing that so many of those girls are 18, 19, 20, my age or younger, and look like *that*… when i look like this.

if there is a god, i don’t know why he would want to create me, just to have so many emotional moments and problems. why do i feel this way, think this way? why do i hate myself so much, i can’t remember ever feeling any different. it just doens’t seem fair.

i’ve gotten really off track, and still there is so much i want to say but don’t know how to articulate it. some of it is weight-related… some of it, maybe not so much. but i just feel… if i lost weight.. if i could be pretty… then all my other problems would be solved, because i’d be happy. you know?