Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i’ve been good all day, woke myself up to walk/jog, had a good breakfast, etc.. and now i’m at work and it’s like, i’ve inhaled three cookies and a couple mini-kit-kats and mini-reeses-cups.

yeah, i’m hungry, so that’s part of it. i should prolly eat something healthy and fullfilling versus something junky.

but then.. idk. i think i’m a little stressed. last friday i blocked myself out of work, stayed home, took a break.. and apparently my boss got really pissed and was complaining about me to the other workers and stuff. which, i used to love my job, but it got all messed up when everybody started arguring and quitting and now it’s stress and drama, which i wasn’t even apart of but somehow i’m starting to be? anyway, so that happened, and i didn’t realize it would be a big deal i wasn’t there. i am technically a massage therapist, although i don’t have a lot of clientele, so i’m still on hourly, so i’m like, a receptionist too. which, is fine, but most people i think are starting to think of me as JUST a receptionist, and since we are low on staff, i’m here a LOT, doing reception-y stuff. and so.. they expect me to be here.

which, i understand when you are busy and the phones are ringing and the tanners are backed up and you are behind.. that sucks. i’m starting to feel guilty when i’m NOT at work, and THAT sucks, because it’s a job. my boss should take on the responsibility of hiring somebody else, and not leaving me to take up the slack. and it’s like, okay what if i came in that friday, but had a bunch of massage appointments? it would be the same thing (only worse b/c the extra laundry), they can’t count on me all the time. *sigh*

anyway. one of the girls was talking about it today, which, we get along fine, but she was telling me how our boss was complaining to her, then she went off kinda about how this is the only job i’ll have that will be that flexible and etc, and she was really kind of putting me in a bad mood. she hates this job more than i do, but the fact that she feels she has to tell me how the “real world is” or whatever.. like.. she was above me and knew more or something, and it really bothered me for some reason. does that make sense?

so.. i was stressed and annoyed about that, and i ate. grr.

now i feel a little sicky.

half of me wants to drink lots of water and do something to get my mind off this, and walking around a little helped me realize i don’t really need the junk.

the other half is screaming “CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE!!” and wants to eat even though i know i’ll get even more sicky and i’ll hate myself and rue my blubberous body.

i normally would just eat more, but i’m going to try to be STRONG AND NOT EAT ANYMORE JUNK FOOD. lots of water, distractions, .. idk. i can do this.

right?

today was very roller-coaster-ish.

i didn’t have to work, and i had planned with my mom to go shopping for my sister’s 18th birthday tomorrow. we weren’t planning on leaving until ten or eleven, so i was like “sweet, enough time to wake up early and workout”

no. i slept in. i suck.

i am completely HORRIBLE at getting myself out of bed. any tricks for that???

 so, i felt poopy. but, i had an apple and yogurt for breakfast, and water before we headed off, so i was feeling good.

then, we stopped for lunch.

my mom loves village inn, and always gets the cobb salad, which i was like, fine, i can get a salad, too, no big deal. but for some reason, she decided she DIDN’T want a salad, and i did the very very bad thing of looking at the menu, and then i became completely confused. i got a bacon cheeseburger (comes with fries) and my mom got an omelette (comes with hashbrowns and pancakes).. we ended up splitting our meals so both of us had half of each. safe to say, i ate a lot, but it didn’t *feel* like a lot, but my mom made the comment about me eating a lot.. so… grr. i didn’t feel stuffed though. but i knew in my head i ate too many calories. which, that is bad when you don’t feel like how much you ate. i DON’T want my stomach getting used to having tons of food, you know??

augh, i can’t concentrate ,my parents are being loud. okay. anyway.

we went shopping next, and this guy came up and started hitting on me, which was funny and a little ego boosting. first he asked if we were sisters (duh, that was definately a line), and then said i was beautiful and wanted to give me his number? oh, and he said he thought i looked 21, 22, which was good, because most people think i’m still in high school (i’m 20). but… a little part of me starting thinking, okay, what if it was a bet with friends, try to find a fat, ugly girl to hit on or something.. you know? so… that kind of let the air out of my balloon. idk.

uummm.. we went into vanity, and if you guys don’t know the store, i always want to go in it but the clothes are so cute, they look like it’s skinnies-only. but i got a couple pants, which is AWESOME because since i’ve gained weight i can’t fit into my old pants (SUCKS) so i’ve been wearing my sister’s (UGH). plus, the sizes aren’t numbered (ie, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, etc..), they are labeled by inches (waist x inseam), so that doesn’t make me feel bad, because i’m not used to those types of labeling, so i’m completely ignorant about my size. lol. does that make sense?

then, i went down a little more when i was trying on shirts.. usually shirts are easiest for me to find, but again.. i’ve gotten fat. back rolls are SO prominent in shirts, as well as my tummy pudge and my huge flabby triceps. i got only one shirt, and it’s white and pink stripes.. thick horizontal. i thought it would look bad because horizontal stripes are supposed to make you look wider, but they also help hide my back rolls (they blend into the fabric lol) so it’s all good. my arms are still flabby though.

ummmmm. then we went to a couple other stores, got my sister a present, which made me happy, and went to walmart and tried on a swimsuit, which made me super depressed.

i just finished baking her cake, it’s a two-layer-triple-chocolate type thing, with pink cream cheese frosting and melted white chocolate drizzles. all homemade i’m going to add a photo to show you all, i’m so proud lol. my goal is to NOT EAT THAT TOMORROW. which, we are doing it in the morning before she goes to school, so i should be good.

right after work, we are going to blacklight-mini-golf and out to dinner, so i won’t be able to work out, so i am going to get up and work out!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!! lol. i saw a picture of britney spears and how good she is looking, and i want to do that. ideally i’d love to lose the back rolls, thin my thighs and arms, and lose my belly pooch by the time i leave for europe, but that’s the beginning of june, so… that probably isn’t reality. if i pushed myself and worked out a lot, and didn’t eat ANY junk at all, maybe. i need something to keep my motivation up all day long. hmmm. any suggestions??

so, i am off, i hope everybody has a good hump day tomorrow!!!

so, i lost a pound which… i don’t know, i might be getting overly excited about it, but i’m really happy. even though i lose here or there, as you can see by my chart, my weight steadily goes up anyway, lol. so… hopefully this is the beginning of a downward streak for me. i tried writing down what i ate, and got about half the day before i started eating stuff that i didn’t KNOW how many calories were in (ex. homemade cookies… augh) and then i gave up, kinda. and, i started jogging/walking with our dog, so.. maybe that helped!

all i know is i was semi-committed last week, and i lost a pound. so.. if i really dedicate myself this week, who knows how much i could lose? i’m really excited and motivated, which.. is such a nice feeling, i just want to KEEP IT!!! LOL.

we went grocery shopping last night, and i didn’t get any bread (i end up eating like, five slices in a sitting, lol.. i LOVE BREAD), and some good high fiber cereal (which, it’s SO hard to find cereal that is 1) high fiber 2) low sugar and 3) moderate calories.. i almost had a fit right there in the aisle, lol). it’s so much easier to stick to a diet when you start your morning off right… yeah, cheesy i know.

oh, and i got a billy blanks dvd… i love his workouts, i have a couple bootcamp dvds and a vcr tape i really loved but is in storage. i’ve been doing pilates classes, and i’m going to start walking and jogging more with our dog, plus alternate days of weights (abs/arms/back one day and legs/butt the next), so… yay.

oh, and if anybody has any really great exercises they like (that i can do at home with free weights), let me know! i’m trying to make an exercise regimine schedule today, and it’s hard to find exercises i like and that i feel are worth doing, you know? so…

w00t.

today, i woke up.. and i wasn’t hungry. i know you are supposed to eat breakfast, and i ended up taking a banana with me and eating it in the car, but i wasn’t like, craving food like i usually do when i wake up (waffles, cereal, eggs, usually it’s a tough decision between healthy yummy and sugary yummy. breakfast choices are always the best). and i felt myself getting hungry this afternoon, so i had some soup, but it wasn’t like… i was craving food. i refilled the kisses on the desk, and didn’t have the urge to eat a bunch of them. and my coworkers offered me a bite of these caramel girl scout cookies, and it was like “..nah…”.

but, i don’t feel like this strong desire to TRY to eat healthy or watch my calories. does that make sense? i mean.. i’m not struggling to keep anything under control or .. i don’t know.. it’s really hard to describe. before, i would make an effort to plan out my meals, count my calories, avoid the sugary/carby snacks. now, it’s not an effort so much as.. i just don’t really.. want them?

which.. i don’t want to undereat and slow my metabolism or anything, but i don’t want to force myself to eat a certain number of calories even though i’m not hungry. so… i don’t know. lol.

it’s so strange though. i don’t know if, last night, something just clicked and i realized how fed up i was of looking like this and feeling so umcomfortable and unattractive. and i have been doing the “think and lose” hypnotherapy cd, even though i haven’t listened to it in a couple days, since i was gone and all. hm. i guess we’ll see if this lasts all day or not. i do work tonight, so there’s the dougnuts/candy/cheeseballs temptation, but if i don’t crave.. then.. maybe it won’t be bad? also, it’s my last night there, and then i start moving some of my hours to the salon, so that might help out cutting unnecessary calories, too

it’s raining. and i think there’s like.. snow in it. boo. i’m so ready for summer. i hate this back and forth stuff. tshirt and sandal weather one day, poncho the next, lol. plus, i have more motivation to work out when it’s nice out.

i hope everybody is having a good day i keep thinking it’s wednesday though, i need to get that sorted or else this week is going to feel super long, lol!!

this morning, i had it in my head that i would start my new ‘diet’, healthy eating (i want to do the fat smash, but my book hasn’t come yet), and i make myself a little strawberry/raspberry smoothie… and then… i notice the explosion of easter-ness around me, and before i know it, i’ve eaten probably about ten or so of those little mini candies (twix and snickers) and a huge slice of cake.

i weighed myself today, and i’ve gained even more. i know i’m going to keep gaining if i keep eating like this. junk food is now a staple of my life, and i have been eating it regularly, daily. doughnuts, candy bars, chocolate, popcorn, girl scout cookies.

so just out of desperation, i googled “i can’t stop eating junk food” (lol), and the first web page i came to really laid it out to me, no pussyfooting around. i printed it off, i’m going to carry it with me everywhere, and i wanted to post it here, too.

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i wish i could eat whatever i wanted and then know that my workouts would make up for it. lol. my diet has been absolutely horrible the past couple days.

overeating at work, and then today, a client brought in cinnamon rolls, and i’m not going to lie, i had WAY MORE than my fair share. it was pure gluttony.

but, when i went to the gym, something came over me, and i had this intense energy. it was crazy. i was on the treadmill for half an hour (which is amazing, for me, considering i haven’t really been on one in a while because my leg was hurting so bad), and at the end i had it high as 8mph. i don’t know if that’s a lot or not to you guys, it felt a lot to me (my highest is usually around 5, sometimes 6). then it was on to my challenges (lunges,squats) and some more weight training/floor training (crunches, tricep dips, reverse crunches, stuff like that). i even got brave and started testing out some of the other equipment, like the rowing machine and leg press, stuff like that. i hopped on a elliptical for about 10-15minutes, then more weight/floor work… then a bike for 20 minutes. oh yeah and i wailed on a punching bag. there was only one guy in there, and that intense energy would not subside, and i was listening to my iPod and it came on “down with the sickness” by disturbed, and the punching bag looked like a good idea… omg. i love it. i want my own.

but i was there for about 2 hours. i don’t think i’ve ever sweated that much in a long time … i think since my junior year of high school when i was on the tennis team, lol. it felt.. so amazing. i wish i could get that everyday. it didn’t even feel like me, it was like.. i was borrowing the energy from someone else. i was like the fricken energizer rabbit.

of course, none of that prolly makes a difference, because of how i’ve been eating. *sigh* i want to find foods… that fill me up. and are healthy, obviously.

i need to learn how to just say no.

i feel like i am constantly yoyoing, from day to day.

i did super good yesterday, worked out, ate good, did my team challenges.

today i was doing great, eating good, went to the gym, did my challenges. then, at 10:30, when i only had half an hour.. HALF AN HOUR.. left of work, i succumbed to the smell of mozarella sticks and ended up eating a little bit of everything, taste testing, throwing away, until eventually it was full-on overeating. my weaknesses are chocolate + peanut butter (the new hershey candy bars OMG) and anything with cream… doughnuts, twinkies, hohos. augh.

it just annoys me more than anything that i can do this, go back and forth, and just give up so easily.

i used to look at overweight people and think “okay, all they got to do is stop eating so much crap and work out once in a while. there is no excuse”. but now i guess i have more empathy, because i know what it’s like to KNOW you shouldn’t eat something, yet you have the strong desire to anyway, and your willpower just isn’t strong enough.

it’s so frustrating when i try to talk to somebody about trying to lose weight, and they make it sound so easy - “well all you got to do is eat a little bit healthier, no more junk”. yes, in theory, that sounds easy. but, it’s like.. this huge flaw i have, i guess. i have no willpower when it comes to mindless eating. i don’t understand it, i don’t understand why i have this problem and other people don’t struggle at all. other people might be able to look at a doughnut or some cheeseballs or whatever, and think “nah” and walk away. for me, it’s this HUGE internal battle, every single time. and i don’t know why. is it just cravings, something my body is withdrawling from, like a drug? is it some genetic trait, maybe a hereditary culture-type thing that has been bred into me from birth. is it just my own fault, for being so weak minded?  i’m just.. boggled.

i told myself, what is done is done, this is one bad day, yesterday was one good day, and i have three more days for possible good days. but it’s still hard, because i so desperately wanted this week to be the week where i actually lost some weight, where i had some motivation to continue. i’m tired of my weight staying the same for this long (plus side; it’s not going up. but still). i’m afraid if i don’t see results soon, i’m just going to give up altogether.

i have no problem working out, for the most part i like exercising. it’s just the whole diet thing. sigh.

tomorrow i will try to make sure i get maximum benefit from every second, to make up for today. i won’t try to starve myself (i’m so afraid of that messing up my body almost more than overeating.. isn’t that silly??) but i will try to stick to whole, fresh foods (although there is becoming a decrease in our house.. grr) and lots and lots of exercise.

i would love some pearls of wisdom right now lol. just something.. anything… to help me control my junk food obsession. i feel like i’m teetering on the edge of a cliff.

have any of you ever had a charlie horse cramp? especially in the middle of the night — one of those cramps in your calves, or even sometimes they get in the arch of your foot or in your hamstrings. they are… completely, utterly horrible. i would say the worst pain in the world, but i’ve never been in labor yet, so i think i’ll save that judgement for a later date

i go through phases where, i’ll get them often, it seems every night… and then, they’ll go away for a while. i got one in the middle of the night last night, then got a couple more in the other leg! i was like “seriously… wtf?!” i don’t think they’ve ever been that bad. i guess except for the time i got one when i was *AWAKE* and on my tippie toes reaching in a high cupboard. that KILLED.

the worst thing is, too, i’m drinking so much water, i have to pee in the middle of the night… and when you get cramps, then try to walk to the bathroom… it hurts just to put any pressure down and stand, let alone walk at least i know it’s not because of dehydration.

i try to take a multivitamin daily, so… i mean, the only other causes i have heard of them is lack of potassium (which i was eating bananas by the tons, but stopped b/c we ran out, but we have more now.. yay!) and calcium (which… i really don’t drink milk, i have my reasons, lol… but i love cheese, and eat cottage cheese like crazy). does anyone get these, or know why we get them? maybe i’m just overworking and just not stretching enough. i always seem to neglect my calves since they are ‘tighter’ than my thighs, haha, so i focus more on working that flabby part

oh!! GREAT NEWS!!

I DIDN’T BINGE AT WORK LAST NIGHT!!!

in fact, i didn’t eat anythere there at all, except what i took with me — apple slices to dip in yogurt, a bunch of fruit/nut mix (pineapple, mango, grapes, pecans, almonds, walnuts), and a slimfast i’m soooo excited. i seriously have overate there every night i work for a month straight. but i just remembered my group (the fitness fanatics! YEAH!) and my bet with my family (biggest loser-esque hehe), and avoided even LOOKING at the doughnuts and fried foods, and kept myself occupied with dusting and reading and stuff. plus, i think it helps to know i’m quitting soon, haha.

well… i think i had more to say, but i can’t remember, so i’m going to try to squeeze in a quick workout before i have to shower. i’m getting my gym membership tonight, so i might go there after work too woohoo.

it’s defiantely the weather. it’s been nice, like in the 50s.. bright and sunny. it just puts you in a better place. *dances*

do you guys count your calories, or just try to eat healthy?

for the longest time, i counted everything i ate.. and yeah, i lost weight. this time around, though, i’m looking at it differently. i’ve been trying to get more into going raw/vegan (although i know i’ll never be 100%, and that’s okay), and focusing more on what i put *into* my body versus just calories. i mean, you can eat 100 calories worth of fruit or 100 calories worth of m&ms… but the person who eats the fruit will be healthier, right? or… does it really not matter at all? i like to think it does…

so that brings me to my problem. now that i’m eating more “raw”, it’s harder to know exactly how many calories i’m eating. for example, i’ll usually eat a piece of fruit or one of my homemade energy bars (recipe complements of brendan brazier, of the ‘thrive’ diet) for breakfast, which.. fruit alone is easy, you can just look it up. but when you make something like an energy bar, you have to count all the calories, then divide by how many servings you eventually get out of it, which.. is still possible (although lengthy).. i won’t even attempt to do that with fat/protein/carbs/etc, which is what the buddyslim food log keeps track of.

i usually make a post-workout smoothie, and then counting gets trickier. i don’t measure.. i’m more of the ‘toss here or there’ gal. some strawberries, blueberries, hey look a mango, score… some flaxseed for fiber and maybe a thing of celery.. i mean… lol. it’s completely random and different every time. so that poses a problem for my food log too

i wouldn’t worry about it, but people have me freaking out about eating too little. they say if you go under 1200 calories, you do harm to your body. i don’t want to slow my metabolism or anything! so, i eat pretty good (i think so) during the day, but at night i think a combination of pure temptation/cravings, boredom, and worrying that i didn’t eat enough calories (lol), all lend themselves to me bingeing or eating more junk than i should.

do you guys worry about not eating enough? or enough of the right stuff? or… am i being paranoid? augh. being healthy is so… overwhelming! i just want to say “toss it all!” and just eat when i’m hungry, ‘healthy foods’, i mean.. instinctive eating, you know? just following my intuition on what is right and wrong, good and bad. is that naive?

i was doing so, so good all day.

i woke up (an hour later, to protest daylight savings time.. lol) and did my billy blanks cardio bootcamp dvd AND my yoga goddess booty dvd (a little under an hour total). and, my diet was doing excellent, even into the later hours of work. i took a huge mix of fruit (apples/grapes/fresh pineapple.. so yummy!) and a slimfast shake to tie me over in my cravings later on in the night.

then.. it all crumbled… one of my friend’s birthday was this weekend, and they brought me in a couple slices of birthday cake. which, wouldn’t have been bad, i don’t think.. but once i get the taste of sweet in my mouth.. that’s when i find it so hard to just stop. augh.

so. i don’t know. i can’t figure out a way to just… STOP MYSELF. willpower alone isn’t enough. i try to drink plenty of water. i try to tell myself i don’t need it, i want to be thin, etc. i mean.. what else can i do? i’ve been thinking about hypnotherapy, which the place my mom called said had a 85% success rate… but, it’s just.. expensive. so, i don’t really want to go down that route.

what do you guys do? am i just incredibly weak.. am i making this more difficult than it is? or, is there anyone else out there who struggles like i do? HOW do you stay strong against temptations and cravings, especially when they are right in front of you??