Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i know that getting healthy, into shape, should be an important aspect of my life. i want it to be. i seriously have issues with my body, i know i am overweight, i am getting frustrated because it’s hard to find clothes that fit me anymore, and the flab just seems overwhelming.

but i’m finding it hard to keep in mind this importance. i feel like, all of a sudden, overwhelmed, like i’m dealing with so much. idk. i’ve been living at my boyfriend’s family’s house since i got back. when i am not there, the sisters and his dad ask about me, so i know that they somewhat want and need me here, and i’m glad to help at all with everything that is going on. although i really don’t help with housework, i do try to keep an eye on the kids so everything doesn’t get too stressful, and i’m kind of an emotional bounceboard for anybody who needs to talk about anything. and i know me being here helps diffuse bad situations. everybody handles grief differently, and my boyfriend is tending to handle it with anger. i know he can’t help it, and it’s difficult, when you have a short fuse and don’t know why.. but when i’m here i can help cheer him up or listen to him vent about something that might bother him more than it should, and help when there is tension between him and the rest of the family. i’m really close to one of his sisters, and she has been talking to me a lot (dealing with her grief with almost some bitterness and anger at God, and a lot of sadness of course).

so.. i’m glad i’m here but the housing situation doesn’t help a lot with trying to work out (impossible with so many people, next week we are DEFINATELY getting a gym membership, I SWEAR) and eating right (when you are eating emotionally and also so many good foods and big dinners everynight).

then, i’ve been thinking a lot about my faith. the whole family - my boyfriend included - are trying to handle their grief by focusing on faith, which i think is a good thing, and their mom was really spiritual and tried to get them to go to church and everything, so i think part of it is wanting to carry that on, too. not saying these people were athiests before she passed.. but there is a difference between calling yourself a christian and actively participating to try to bring God more fully in your life. you know?

and of course that brings up issues with my boyfriend. we were thinking of getting our own place, but now it’s like … should we? it’s hard trying to reevaluate our relationship, trying to build up a new relationship with a strong foundation, because.. well i mean we have dated before but it always fell apart, and even though i know we have both grown through these years, i want to make this work and work right. but when i try to talk to him more about it (he brings it up) then he doesn’t want to, and it frustrates me because i don’t know where my life is going at all… what i should be doing, where i need to be… idk.

augh. this blog. my blogs always turn out differently than how i expect them to. i’m really frustrated with myself because there are things i want, like trying to get fit, but it’s just hard to keep focused. and then i feel almost… vain… for wanting to focus on this alot. not for wanting to get in shape, i should take care of my body, but i’ve always had the thought, keep in my brain, that if i looked better my life would be better, which is totally silly, but those vain-type thoughts, wanting to be “hot”, makes me feel like a bad person. augh. i need to find a good balance with everything. i’m just so overwhelmed right now.

sorry guys. i really hope i get my focus back soon. i hate typing these poopy blogs