Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i know that getting healthy, into shape, should be an important aspect of my life. i want it to be. i seriously have issues with my body, i know i am overweight, i am getting frustrated because it’s hard to find clothes that fit me anymore, and the flab just seems overwhelming.

but i’m finding it hard to keep in mind this importance. i feel like, all of a sudden, overwhelmed, like i’m dealing with so much. idk. i’ve been living at my boyfriend’s family’s house since i got back. when i am not there, the sisters and his dad ask about me, so i know that they somewhat want and need me here, and i’m glad to help at all with everything that is going on. although i really don’t help with housework, i do try to keep an eye on the kids so everything doesn’t get too stressful, and i’m kind of an emotional bounceboard for anybody who needs to talk about anything. and i know me being here helps diffuse bad situations. everybody handles grief differently, and my boyfriend is tending to handle it with anger. i know he can’t help it, and it’s difficult, when you have a short fuse and don’t know why.. but when i’m here i can help cheer him up or listen to him vent about something that might bother him more than it should, and help when there is tension between him and the rest of the family. i’m really close to one of his sisters, and she has been talking to me a lot (dealing with her grief with almost some bitterness and anger at God, and a lot of sadness of course).

so.. i’m glad i’m here but the housing situation doesn’t help a lot with trying to work out (impossible with so many people, next week we are DEFINATELY getting a gym membership, I SWEAR) and eating right (when you are eating emotionally and also so many good foods and big dinners everynight).

then, i’ve been thinking a lot about my faith. the whole family - my boyfriend included - are trying to handle their grief by focusing on faith, which i think is a good thing, and their mom was really spiritual and tried to get them to go to church and everything, so i think part of it is wanting to carry that on, too. not saying these people were athiests before she passed.. but there is a difference between calling yourself a christian and actively participating to try to bring God more fully in your life. you know?

and of course that brings up issues with my boyfriend. we were thinking of getting our own place, but now it’s like … should we? it’s hard trying to reevaluate our relationship, trying to build up a new relationship with a strong foundation, because.. well i mean we have dated before but it always fell apart, and even though i know we have both grown through these years, i want to make this work and work right. but when i try to talk to him more about it (he brings it up) then he doesn’t want to, and it frustrates me because i don’t know where my life is going at all… what i should be doing, where i need to be… idk.

augh. this blog. my blogs always turn out differently than how i expect them to. i’m really frustrated with myself because there are things i want, like trying to get fit, but it’s just hard to keep focused. and then i feel almost… vain… for wanting to focus on this alot. not for wanting to get in shape, i should take care of my body, but i’ve always had the thought, keep in my brain, that if i looked better my life would be better, which is totally silly, but those vain-type thoughts, wanting to be “hot”, makes me feel like a bad person. augh. i need to find a good balance with everything. i’m just so overwhelmed right now.

sorry guys. i really hope i get my focus back soon. i hate typing these poopy blogs

Unfourtunately, earlier than I wanted to be. I had spent my month in Greece, then was backpacking through Italy, actually on my way to Germany when I got some really bad news. My on-again-off-again boyfriend of seven years’ mom just passed away. It was incredibly sudden and unexpected and all I could think about was that I had to get home ASAP. I mean, Europe will always be there, I can go back later, but no way could I enjoy myself there when I knew my “second family” was hurting bad. I mean, she was basically like my second mom… there was a point in my life where I spent more time at their house than I did at mine.

So.. that’s been rough. I’ve been basically living with their family, trying to be strong and comfort them… one thing about funerals, is that everybody sends foods… cookies, cupcakes, brownies… I finally weighed myself yesterday, and I had lost some weight (even though while in Europe my diet consisted of beer, pizza, and gelato LOL) but I know if I don’t do something soon, I will gain it all back. My boyfriend and I are looking at a gym at the local hospital, and I know I need to get a job soon… the main thing right now is eating, because there is constantly food around, and when you don’t know what to do or say.. you eat.. you know?

Hm. Well I think I’m going to go for now, see if there is any room for me again in my old group, and maybe soon I will have photos up if anybody cares to see them. Europe really was pretty great, besides the arriving (my taxi driver in Athens ripped me off 200 euros) and the trying to leave in an emergency (I got stuck in London when my passport was stolen.. US Embassy won’t even help you unless you have money…. wtf??).

Well, I hope everybody here is doing well, and hopefully I get back into the groove soon!