Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

things that should be motivating me to lose weight

1) going to europe in A MONTH. OMG. i seriously don’t want to be the “stereotypical overweight american”. i want to look good on the beach, DAMNIT. plus, backpacking = serious aerobic activity = not pretty if i’m gasping for air

2) turning 21 in september. so, i gotta look good by then, especially if i end up going clubbing or to vegas or something. looking at my photos from my last birthday made me realize that i looked good then (isn’t it funny how you think you’re fat, until you gain more weight, and *then* think you’re fat, and wish you could look like you did back when? which brings me to…

3) i don’t want to look back on *this* time in my life, thinking, i look good. this is the most i have weighed EVER and i don’t want to go ANY HIGHER. if i hit 170, i will break down.

4) halloween. i haven’t really celebrated it in years. i NEED to celebrate halloween, and not just the “stuff your face full of candy” part, which means i need to find people to celebrate it with, and find a kickass costume.

5) my sister’s graduating in less than a month, and i’ve been designated tiki-bartender, which means i gotta wear a cute outfit if i’m going to make tips for my trip. LOL.

6) everybody on this site. i’m a fitness fanatic, damnit, and i’m tired of letting my team down!!! everybody has been so helpful and nice and compassionate to my whining, and i want to show them that i can do it, and be a motivation for anybody else.. because, if i can do it, the laziest, most pessimistic person on this site, then ANYONE can.

7) the exes. okay, this might be a superficial reason. but my exes have been pissing me off, one in particular, when the only time he isn’t a douchebag is when he is high, and that is sad. i need to show them what they gave up, and stop feeling like the victim and letting them affect me like they are. who are they to make me depressed and binge eat? they don’t have that power. oh, and this guy, who technically isn’t an ex, but hit on me hardcore, and i found out he has a girlfriend already — and is always talking about how he draws the line at “fat chicks”. pig. like he thinks he’s that great.

myself. my own esteem. i’m tired of feeling so self-concious, and looking at other girls and wishing i was them. i am in awe of my pilates instructor (and coworker), but instead of being jealous and thinking “i can never do that”, i’m going to just keep doing it until i get those flat abs and can lift my legs over my head. i mean, look at all the things you can accomplish when you are fit. yes, a lot of it is about losing weight and looking good. but a big part of it is fitness too, and not being out of breath, and being able to run around, and do pilates type stuff. i mean… not taking your body for granted, and being in awe of what it can accomplish, if you treat it right.

so, that’s what i came up with right now. a lot of them may be superficial, but i just need to keep finding things to motivate me, and to think about when i get upset and reach for that tenth cookie or second bag of reeses’ minature peanut butter cups. i thought once i quit my second job, with donuts and cheeseballs galore, i would lose weight — instead, i’ve gained, i guess because i found substitutions at home and at my other job. i need to say no.

some people smoke, some are alcoholics, some are crackheads, everybody has their vice. i’m addicted to food, to the happy receptors food puts off in my brain, and that isn’t right. i can’t stuff this hole i’m feeling with food. it’s going to kill me like all those other vices; and if it doesn’t, it will certainly break my spirit, as i’ve already shown it’s starting to do. but i can stop it. i just need to be strong…. and have lots and lots of buddies, LOL.

oh and

9) being able to wear my own clothes. i’ve had to wear my sister’s jeans, since mine don’t fit anymore… and usually her shirts, because mine are getting tight to the point where you can see my back rolls (ew) and my belly pudge. boo.

help me!!!!!!!!