Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

today was very roller-coaster-ish.

i didn’t have to work, and i had planned with my mom to go shopping for my sister’s 18th birthday tomorrow. we weren’t planning on leaving until ten or eleven, so i was like “sweet, enough time to wake up early and workout”

no. i slept in. i suck.

i am completely HORRIBLE at getting myself out of bed. any tricks for that???

 so, i felt poopy. but, i had an apple and yogurt for breakfast, and water before we headed off, so i was feeling good.

then, we stopped for lunch.

my mom loves village inn, and always gets the cobb salad, which i was like, fine, i can get a salad, too, no big deal. but for some reason, she decided she DIDN’T want a salad, and i did the very very bad thing of looking at the menu, and then i became completely confused. i got a bacon cheeseburger (comes with fries) and my mom got an omelette (comes with hashbrowns and pancakes).. we ended up splitting our meals so both of us had half of each. safe to say, i ate a lot, but it didn’t *feel* like a lot, but my mom made the comment about me eating a lot.. so… grr. i didn’t feel stuffed though. but i knew in my head i ate too many calories. which, that is bad when you don’t feel like how much you ate. i DON’T want my stomach getting used to having tons of food, you know??

augh, i can’t concentrate ,my parents are being loud. okay. anyway.

we went shopping next, and this guy came up and started hitting on me, which was funny and a little ego boosting. first he asked if we were sisters (duh, that was definately a line), and then said i was beautiful and wanted to give me his number? oh, and he said he thought i looked 21, 22, which was good, because most people think i’m still in high school (i’m 20). but… a little part of me starting thinking, okay, what if it was a bet with friends, try to find a fat, ugly girl to hit on or something.. you know? so… that kind of let the air out of my balloon. idk.

uummm.. we went into vanity, and if you guys don’t know the store, i always want to go in it but the clothes are so cute, they look like it’s skinnies-only. but i got a couple pants, which is AWESOME because since i’ve gained weight i can’t fit into my old pants (SUCKS) so i’ve been wearing my sister’s (UGH). plus, the sizes aren’t numbered (ie, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, etc..), they are labeled by inches (waist x inseam), so that doesn’t make me feel bad, because i’m not used to those types of labeling, so i’m completely ignorant about my size. lol. does that make sense?

then, i went down a little more when i was trying on shirts.. usually shirts are easiest for me to find, but again.. i’ve gotten fat. back rolls are SO prominent in shirts, as well as my tummy pudge and my huge flabby triceps. i got only one shirt, and it’s white and pink stripes.. thick horizontal. i thought it would look bad because horizontal stripes are supposed to make you look wider, but they also help hide my back rolls (they blend into the fabric lol) so it’s all good. my arms are still flabby though.

ummmmm. then we went to a couple other stores, got my sister a present, which made me happy, and went to walmart and tried on a swimsuit, which made me super depressed.

i just finished baking her cake, it’s a two-layer-triple-chocolate type thing, with pink cream cheese frosting and melted white chocolate drizzles. all homemade i’m going to add a photo to show you all, i’m so proud lol. my goal is to NOT EAT THAT TOMORROW. which, we are doing it in the morning before she goes to school, so i should be good.

right after work, we are going to blacklight-mini-golf and out to dinner, so i won’t be able to work out, so i am going to get up and work out!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!! lol. i saw a picture of britney spears and how good she is looking, and i want to do that. ideally i’d love to lose the back rolls, thin my thighs and arms, and lose my belly pooch by the time i leave for europe, but that’s the beginning of june, so… that probably isn’t reality. if i pushed myself and worked out a lot, and didn’t eat ANY junk at all, maybe. i need something to keep my motivation up all day long. hmmm. any suggestions??

so, i am off, i hope everybody has a good hump day tomorrow!!!

so, i jogged/walked this morning (mostly a walk though lol), and figured i’d do some weight stuff later on this afternoon. i got caught up in a book and freshly laundered sheets (oh so warm) and realized that it was getting dark out and i should prolly do something before i get entirely unmotivated.

i went into my parent’s room (where all the weight stuff is) and went to put in a dvd to watch while i was working out, and the stupid dvd player won’t work.

it’s been acting up for a while, you have to hit it to make it open up, and it randomly replays scenes and stuff, but after you get the hang of it’s quirks, it works out okay.

not tonight. i couldn’t get it open for the life of me, then shut, then when it loads, it says it’s loaded but it doesn’t play anything…

and after wrestling with it for a while, i got entirely too pissed off and just came downstairs. i have half a mind to binge eat, but my stomach kind of hurts ? and i don’t want to eat when i’m pissed. so… i won’t. which is good. but i wanted to work out, and i hate that angry-giving-up feeling. i can’t do anything downstairs because PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS HERE. it’s not that i’m antisocial or anything, i just like being able to be FREE in my own house… there are always people over and my sister’s boyfriend has been practically living here for the past four months, and it really annoys me, because i can’t like, pop in a yoga dvd or billy blanks or something when i’m afraid somebody is going to come in and stare or make fun of me (i hate exercising when people can see me, i’m only now getting semi-comfortable in a gym-type atmosphere, because EVERYBODY is working out, not just me, lol).

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

that, and when i get upset, i’ve started clenching my front teeth, and they grind together, and it’s not a fun feeling. i hate it.

i’m so upset. augh. i want to binge. but i’m not going to damnit!!!!

i really want to work out i’m going to try the dvd-player from hell again. wish me luck.

so, i lost a pound which… i don’t know, i might be getting overly excited about it, but i’m really happy. even though i lose here or there, as you can see by my chart, my weight steadily goes up anyway, lol. so… hopefully this is the beginning of a downward streak for me. i tried writing down what i ate, and got about half the day before i started eating stuff that i didn’t KNOW how many calories were in (ex. homemade cookies… augh) and then i gave up, kinda. and, i started jogging/walking with our dog, so.. maybe that helped!

all i know is i was semi-committed last week, and i lost a pound. so.. if i really dedicate myself this week, who knows how much i could lose? i’m really excited and motivated, which.. is such a nice feeling, i just want to KEEP IT!!! LOL.

we went grocery shopping last night, and i didn’t get any bread (i end up eating like, five slices in a sitting, lol.. i LOVE BREAD), and some good high fiber cereal (which, it’s SO hard to find cereal that is 1) high fiber 2) low sugar and 3) moderate calories.. i almost had a fit right there in the aisle, lol). it’s so much easier to stick to a diet when you start your morning off right… yeah, cheesy i know.

oh, and i got a billy blanks dvd… i love his workouts, i have a couple bootcamp dvds and a vcr tape i really loved but is in storage. i’ve been doing pilates classes, and i’m going to start walking and jogging more with our dog, plus alternate days of weights (abs/arms/back one day and legs/butt the next), so… yay.

oh, and if anybody has any really great exercises they like (that i can do at home with free weights), let me know! i’m trying to make an exercise regimine schedule today, and it’s hard to find exercises i like and that i feel are worth doing, you know? so…

w00t.

things that should be motivating me to lose weight

1) going to europe in A MONTH. OMG. i seriously don’t want to be the “stereotypical overweight american”. i want to look good on the beach, DAMNIT. plus, backpacking = serious aerobic activity = not pretty if i’m gasping for air

2) turning 21 in september. so, i gotta look good by then, especially if i end up going clubbing or to vegas or something. looking at my photos from my last birthday made me realize that i looked good then (isn’t it funny how you think you’re fat, until you gain more weight, and *then* think you’re fat, and wish you could look like you did back when? which brings me to…

3) i don’t want to look back on *this* time in my life, thinking, i look good. this is the most i have weighed EVER and i don’t want to go ANY HIGHER. if i hit 170, i will break down.

4) halloween. i haven’t really celebrated it in years. i NEED to celebrate halloween, and not just the “stuff your face full of candy” part, which means i need to find people to celebrate it with, and find a kickass costume.

5) my sister’s graduating in less than a month, and i’ve been designated tiki-bartender, which means i gotta wear a cute outfit if i’m going to make tips for my trip. LOL.

6) everybody on this site. i’m a fitness fanatic, damnit, and i’m tired of letting my team down!!! everybody has been so helpful and nice and compassionate to my whining, and i want to show them that i can do it, and be a motivation for anybody else.. because, if i can do it, the laziest, most pessimistic person on this site, then ANYONE can.

7) the exes. okay, this might be a superficial reason. but my exes have been pissing me off, one in particular, when the only time he isn’t a douchebag is when he is high, and that is sad. i need to show them what they gave up, and stop feeling like the victim and letting them affect me like they are. who are they to make me depressed and binge eat? they don’t have that power. oh, and this guy, who technically isn’t an ex, but hit on me hardcore, and i found out he has a girlfriend already — and is always talking about how he draws the line at “fat chicks”. pig. like he thinks he’s that great.

myself. my own esteem. i’m tired of feeling so self-concious, and looking at other girls and wishing i was them. i am in awe of my pilates instructor (and coworker), but instead of being jealous and thinking “i can never do that”, i’m going to just keep doing it until i get those flat abs and can lift my legs over my head. i mean, look at all the things you can accomplish when you are fit. yes, a lot of it is about losing weight and looking good. but a big part of it is fitness too, and not being out of breath, and being able to run around, and do pilates type stuff. i mean… not taking your body for granted, and being in awe of what it can accomplish, if you treat it right.

so, that’s what i came up with right now. a lot of them may be superficial, but i just need to keep finding things to motivate me, and to think about when i get upset and reach for that tenth cookie or second bag of reeses’ minature peanut butter cups. i thought once i quit my second job, with donuts and cheeseballs galore, i would lose weight — instead, i’ve gained, i guess because i found substitutions at home and at my other job. i need to say no.

some people smoke, some are alcoholics, some are crackheads, everybody has their vice. i’m addicted to food, to the happy receptors food puts off in my brain, and that isn’t right. i can’t stuff this hole i’m feeling with food. it’s going to kill me like all those other vices; and if it doesn’t, it will certainly break my spirit, as i’ve already shown it’s starting to do. but i can stop it. i just need to be strong…. and have lots and lots of buddies, LOL.

oh and

9) being able to wear my own clothes. i’ve had to wear my sister’s jeans, since mine don’t fit anymore… and usually her shirts, because mine are getting tight to the point where you can see my back rolls (ew) and my belly pudge. boo.

help me!!!!!!!!

the other day i had this little mini-epiphany thingie.

i had two hour-massages, back to back.

the first lady was really thin, almost skeletal, and she wasn’t really “mean” persay, just.. kind of aloof and gave off a weird vibe that that made me feel a little uncomfortable, like .. i can’t explain it. it’s that vibe you get when you get around people and you have a feeling they don’t like you, but you have no logical reason for it, but you just feel kind of judged and uncomfortable around them. you know? she could have been a perfectly nice lady, but i didn’t feel that really.

then, the second lady was one of my regulars, and she was the complete opposite. a bigger lady, although so so incredibly nice and sweet and open, i absolutely love this lady, lol. and she is a great tipper. (note to readers: tip your massage therapists, hair stylists, pedicurists, etc..!!!)

and, it just made me think. okay: here was a lady who was all skinny, no weight problems, yet i didn’t mesh well with her. and then, this other lady who was overweight yet just so friendly and one of those people who you can’t help but like.

for the longest time, i’ve looked at myself as in, if i looked good, i’d be happy. if i was thinner, at my “goal weight”, and looked like the “Girls Next Door” or something, my life would be perfect: i’d have lots of friends, lots of confidence and esteem, a loving boyfriend, everything would fall into place.

but then i kind of realized… well.. that just isn’t reality. looks aren’t everything. i’ve let my weight and my looks keep me feeling so uncomfortable about myself, so self-conscious and out of place, that i began thinking of it as the root of all my problems. and .. it’s just weight. i’m not perfect. i’m not a movie star, with millions of dollars and unlimited time to devote to working out and hiring a nutritionist and ordering exotic health foods. i’m me, and i can try my best to fit in a work out and say no to that second oreo jello pudding cup (omg, so good btw).

i guess.. i have this emotion in my head, and it’s so hard to articulate. i’m not saying i’m going to let myself gain all this weight and eat whatever and get fatter and still be happy with myself. i gained quite a bit of weight, and it’s not really healthy, and i would love to get in shape and be able to do stuff physically that i couldn’t before (my goal: i’m taking pilates on the ball classes to strengthen my core and learn to do all those funky moves, hehe). i’m just saying, even if i never get down to 125 or anything, that’s okay too. i want to get to a weight and a point in my life where i love to be physical (whether it’s sculpting time out to work out, or just fooling around with friends or something) and where i can enjoy healthy foods but still indulge once in a while in yummy treats (which means no obsessing about food). am i rambling? i feel like i am.

i finally did a weigh in, and i’ve gone up, and i expected that. but, the weird thing is, even though i weigh more, i feel almost a little bit better about myself. i still notice the belly pooch and the flabby tricepts and the back rolls… augh… but, it’s not like.. a life or death, ‘omg i’m hideous’ mentality. and, i went to the gym (in the MORNING!) and started running again, and it made me feel.. good. lately, it seemed when i worked out, i couldn’t get through half an hour even, because i was bored or tired or just plain unmotivated. it just seems like everything is falling into place, and i’m more optimistic about my life. which is a great feeling. i just hope it lasts

 oh, and i have another thing to look forward to. i turn 21 in september, and i think i want to go to vegas with a couple friends for my birthday. (i’m not a big gambler or anything, but i just finished watching ‘oceans 13′ lol) and… you can’t go to vegas 21 and chunky although, i’ve been told that i’ll prolly lose weight in europe from all the healthy foods and walking and stuff, so that will be nice too

i hope everybody has a kickass weekend, and thanks for bearing through my ramblings and all my pessimism. this is shaping up to be a new great week, as long as i can keep ahold of ‘happy luka’ .. lol.

i don’t even know where to start, but i feel like i want to blog or talk to somebody and let out all these thoughts and feelings that are taking over my head. it’s safe here, because none of you really know me anyway, so i can say whatever i want and not worry about anything. i can’t blog like this on myspace.

yesterday on my way home from work i stopped at the gas station and just like… broke down and started bawling. then, all the way home. it felt like every single bad thing in my entire life had happened at once and i couldn’t cope anymore.

i just… really hate myself. i hate how i look. this is the fattest i’ve ever been. way back in november, i started dieting and working out, trying to lose weight for my trip to europe, in june. i was about 145 then, and i figured that would give me enough time, about 6 months, to get down to my goal: 125. i wanted to be beautiful and skinny, look good in a bikini, and thought that if i lost weight, i would like myself and would be confident and open to other people.

i’ve never been really out and open like the rest of my family. my sister and my mom are both loud, outgoing, can be obnoxious yet everyone loves them and says they are great and hilarious. i don’t have anything going for me. i don’t have the personality like they do, so i have to have looks. i can’t be a dull, fat, ugly person, then i’ll never have anyone love me. i’m not one of those bigger people who can make up for it by having this super great personality. you know? i have nothing to offer anybody.

so, for a while i was losing weight, and even got down to 139, whcih was the lowest i’ve been in a long, long time. then.. i don’t know what the hell happened. suddenly, i was gaining 8 pounds in one week, and before i knew it, i was 162. ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY TWO. i mean… it may not sound like a lot to some of you guys, and i hate doing that, making my problems so big when i know a lot of people are 200+ pounds and stuff. maybe i’m just selfish and overreacting. but i have never been this big in my life. a lot of it was emotional binge eating. but.. now it’s not really bingeing, it’s just overeating. at least, when i binged, i felt horribly guilty aftewards. now, that guilt is starting to wear away, and overeating is becoming just a regular part of my daily life, and i hate that.

i was to the point where i could just, run on the treadmill, it seemed like forever, and i felt great. now, i’m on there for five minutes and i hate it. my legs hurt, my ankles and feet hurt, i even bought new shoes, and it didn’t help. i think i’m just so heavy, i can’t do the things i used to be able to do, and that is so depressing. i hate starting out slow. i’m an all or nothing girl. either i watch every bite of food that i eat and exercise relgiously, or i overeat excessively and lay around, watching tv.

yesterday, i spent all day online at work looking at how to lose weight. part of me has been considering using cocaine, for a while now. i even looked it up, people who have used it, who say they don’t have problems with it. no, i don’t want to be a cracked out skanky person. but i want to be thin. and that can make that happen. it’s an easy way out, and i’m beginning to think i can’t make it on my own. i need something. i just… don’t have the willpower to do it all on my own.

i probably won’t do it, i don’t even know how i would get it. the only person i know of is one of my ex’s, who is a big pothead, and he’s done it once but said he wouldn’t do it again because it would be too addictive for him, so i don’t even know if he would let me do it. but i can’t help but think that it’s an option. i just want something, anything, to make me not want to eat. i hate being ruled by food, by never having any control. i hate it. it makes me feel so helpless, and makes me fatter, and then i hate myself more.

then, while looking up stuff about that, i came across another thing people use. apparently, drugs like adderall and ritalin, originally intended for ADHD, i think, supress appetites really good. although, i have no idea how i would get that… i don’t think i could just go to my doctor and ask for a prescription.

i just want to be pretty. i’ve never been noticed, i was always the girl in the classroom, who didn’t have a social life so i did good in school, but i was always too afriad to try out for sports or anything becuase i always knew i wasn’t good enough and couldn’t make it like the other girls.

i know i’m only 20, but i feel like my life is pointless now. it’s like.. high school was the best part of life. that’s where you meet friends, go out and have fun, go to parties, get involved with just.. anything. that’s where you create yourself. and now… what do i have to look forward to? working for the rest of my life? i’ll never have a boyfriend again, i’m too fat and dull, besides, the only guys that are ‘attracted’ to me are emotionally constipated, bad guys… i mean.. all of my ex’s have been either alcoholics (actually going to AA) or potheads, lied to me about what they did, who they hung out with, were still hung up on other girls, or just used me thinking i was easy. apparently i give off that vibe. i’m never going to find somebody, i’m never going to have kids or a family. i don’t even know if i want kids… i think i’d just mess them up too much, and.. i just feel so selfish all the time. i don’t want to be one of those moms who sends her daughter off to prom wishing she could go. but that’s where i am. i am regretting all the things i never did and all the things i should have done, and could have made my life better, and i can’t see anything ahead looking forward to. does that make sense? i mean, everyone thinks 20 is so young, but apparently it’s old enough to have a mid-life crisis. this is supposed to be the prime time of my life. this is the time where i’m supposed to be hot and go out dancing and having fun and then, when i’m older, i can look back on this time as a good time in my life, where i was pretty and fun and had a life actually. it’s so depressing watching antm or pussycat dolls search or commercials for girls gone wild, knowing that so many of those girls are 18, 19, 20, my age or younger, and look like *that*… when i look like this.

if there is a god, i don’t know why he would want to create me, just to have so many emotional moments and problems. why do i feel this way, think this way? why do i hate myself so much, i can’t remember ever feeling any different. it just doens’t seem fair.

i’ve gotten really off track, and still there is so much i want to say but don’t know how to articulate it. some of it is weight-related… some of it, maybe not so much. but i just feel… if i lost weight.. if i could be pretty… then all my other problems would be solved, because i’d be happy. you know?

today, i woke up.. and i wasn’t hungry. i know you are supposed to eat breakfast, and i ended up taking a banana with me and eating it in the car, but i wasn’t like, craving food like i usually do when i wake up (waffles, cereal, eggs, usually it’s a tough decision between healthy yummy and sugary yummy. breakfast choices are always the best). and i felt myself getting hungry this afternoon, so i had some soup, but it wasn’t like… i was craving food. i refilled the kisses on the desk, and didn’t have the urge to eat a bunch of them. and my coworkers offered me a bite of these caramel girl scout cookies, and it was like “..nah…”.

but, i don’t feel like this strong desire to TRY to eat healthy or watch my calories. does that make sense? i mean.. i’m not struggling to keep anything under control or .. i don’t know.. it’s really hard to describe. before, i would make an effort to plan out my meals, count my calories, avoid the sugary/carby snacks. now, it’s not an effort so much as.. i just don’t really.. want them?

which.. i don’t want to undereat and slow my metabolism or anything, but i don’t want to force myself to eat a certain number of calories even though i’m not hungry. so… i don’t know. lol.

it’s so strange though. i don’t know if, last night, something just clicked and i realized how fed up i was of looking like this and feeling so umcomfortable and unattractive. and i have been doing the “think and lose” hypnotherapy cd, even though i haven’t listened to it in a couple days, since i was gone and all. hm. i guess we’ll see if this lasts all day or not. i do work tonight, so there’s the dougnuts/candy/cheeseballs temptation, but if i don’t crave.. then.. maybe it won’t be bad? also, it’s my last night there, and then i start moving some of my hours to the salon, so that might help out cutting unnecessary calories, too

it’s raining. and i think there’s like.. snow in it. boo. i’m so ready for summer. i hate this back and forth stuff. tshirt and sandal weather one day, poncho the next, lol. plus, i have more motivation to work out when it’s nice out.

i hope everybody is having a good day i keep thinking it’s wednesday though, i need to get that sorted or else this week is going to feel super long, lol!!

so, i want to work out. i have two hours until i have to get in the shower and start getting ready for work.

i can’t do my yoga or my billy blanks video because my sister’s boyfriend is in the livingroom watching tv.

i can’t go on the treadmill or do weights because my mom decided she is going to sleep all freakin’ day, and all that stuff is in her room (it’s a big room they built above the garage).

my room is tiny, i tried going up there and doing one of those fitTV workouts, but all that is on now is “shimmy”, which, i love belly dancing (one of my favourite things about living in CO was i could take classes), but it’s really slow and not so much of a workout. plus, there are commercials. and did i mention my room is tiny?

augh. the only thing i can think of doing is going outside for a walk, but i can’t decide if it’s cold or not lol. plus, i get really bored on walks…. and i guess i’m probably getting a workout, but it doesn’t really feel like it, it just feels like i’m… walking…

i’m *this* close to like, just giving up all together and eating a bunch of that bread we got from the silent auction (good thing the cheesecake and pecan rolls are all gone). i know if i keep up my eating habits, i’m just going to keep gaining weight, but i feel like i’ve gotten to the point where the only way i’m going to be able to lose weight and get back a decent body is by practically starving myself and depriving myself of all the foods that make me happy (which isn’t good anyway, that food has an emotional hold over me) and working out to the point where i hate it, but i can’t even work out right now anyway!!! aughhhh.

i’m at a really frustrating point in my life right now. i know i keep saying that, and i keep blogging about the same things and the same problems, but.. i just can’t get OUT of it. it’s like a sucking black hole!!! i don’t know how to get better anymore, how to keep optimisim and motivation within myself, when i so easily give up.

it’s a horrible cycle. i hate myself and how i look, so i get depressed and eat and lay around. eating and laying around makes me fatter, so i hate myself even more.

i go around this site, reading all these great blogs, and everyone on the forums, and all this weight people have lost, and how they are doing great on their diets and love working out, and…. i wish i could get there, too. i feel like i’m the only one on here that’s having such an issue with this. not saying you guys don’t have your struggles, but you all are so so so much stronger than i am. i just can’t hack it.