Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

since i’ve blogged on here. i haven’t really had anything to say, nothing new or thought provoking, and my posts in the forums usually satisfied my need to “talk”. but.. now i do.. lol.. so i’m back.

i’m having problems landing in a healthy mindset. one day, i will look at myself, and see all this bubbling, rolling fat, notice how thick my face has gotten, and just absolutely hate every inch of myself. in this mindset, i either get very motivated, or (more than likely) i get depressed and just eat more, figuring… what’s the point?

on another day, i’ll look at myself, and i’ll still see the rolls and stomach pudge, but i’ll think.. “well, i’m still kind of cute.. yes, i’ve put on weight, but it’s not that much, and i don’t look completely horried”. that either puts me in a good mood to want to exercise and eat healthy, or (more than likely) i’ll eat more than i should, because i feel good about myself. does that make sense?

i wish i could get into a mindset where i didn’t completely hate myself, yet still had the complete willpower to get back on track. i’ve been struggling with this for months now. i’ve actually gained more weight since i’ve decided to go on a diet than when i originally began. augh. i’ve invested so much in weight loss stuff, too. gym memberships. diet books. healthy organic foods at specialty grocery stores. weight loss pills. everything. and my timeline (until i leave for europe) is dwindling.

plus.. omg, my living conditions stress me out. i just like… AUGH. okay, i didn’t plan on blogging this, but my mom just walked in and we got into a tiff just now. i can’t stand living with my family. my sister parades her ‘new boyfriend’ around, he’s basically been living with us for a month now, plus she hasn’t  been to school in forever (she’s always ’sick’ or has a ’sore throat’ in the morning, but is well enough to go out with her friends at night) and i caught her lying to my mom and myself about smoking (she is 17, a senior). so, that is frustrating me, just her overall attitude and presence in this house. then, my mom is so moody, you say one wrong thing or look at her the ‘wrong way’ and she jumps your ass and gives you attitude, and it’s so frustrating… i hate it here, i don’t want to live here, plus they are always buying all this junk food and snacks (they bought a cheesecake, pecan rolls, all this bread and wine, and pizza yesterday), which i should have enough willpower to resist, but.. augh.

i just want to pound my head on the keyboard right now.

my jobs aren’t any better. i gave my two weeks at the gas station (hopefully stopping the doughnut obsession) but i am taking up more hours at the spa, which kind of sucks, because she hired a lady to take tues/thurs, which were my FAVOURITE days because those are the only days my boss isn’t there, and frankly, nobody likes our boss (four people have quit in the past two months, and the rest want to). so…. aughhhhhhhh

i don’t understand how my sister can be heavier than me, and still look cute and get all these boyfriends and everything, yet i gain some weight, and i look absolutely horrid. she is still probably twenty pounds more than i am right now (and i am about twenty pounds more than i usually am, and about fourty pounds more than i want to be), yet it looks.. natural on her, she can pull it off, almost. and i just look fat. do you guys know people like that? she is shorter than me, too. i think it’s because she has huge boobs… lol. seriously.

my brain is scattered right now, i think just having to deal with my mom just then. plus, i’m pms-ing and cramping reeeeaaaaaalllly bad, which helped me to cave to a breakfast of leftover pizza and cheesecake not so healthy.

the good thing about pizza, though, is after you eat a lot of it, your cravings for everything but water just kind of go away. pizza is soo dehydrating. like, right now doughnuts and greasy cheeseballs and stuff just sound so gross. so, maybe work won’t be a complete detriment tonight. we’ll see.

 sorry my blog is kind of completely random today. i guess i had a bit more in my head than i originally thought, and when all of that tries to get out at once, it’s hard to control it. i wish i had somebody to talk to…. i went through my phone and deleted people i never talk to or who are a ‘bad influence’ in my life (mostly guys who fuck with my head, yet i still am too nice to tell to shove it). i only have 20 people in my phone now. and most are distant family or coworkers. *cries*

well… off to work i go. i might take my laptop for when everybody leaves (woo wifi) and a couple books to keep me company. maybe it won’t be so bad.

has anyone seen ’stardust’? i abosolutely love it. i’ve watched it three or four times already. i want to get the book, now. you should definately watch it, if you haven’t

xoxo

this morning, i had it in my head that i would start my new ‘diet’, healthy eating (i want to do the fat smash, but my book hasn’t come yet), and i make myself a little strawberry/raspberry smoothie… and then… i notice the explosion of easter-ness around me, and before i know it, i’ve eaten probably about ten or so of those little mini candies (twix and snickers) and a huge slice of cake.

i weighed myself today, and i’ve gained even more. i know i’m going to keep gaining if i keep eating like this. junk food is now a staple of my life, and i have been eating it regularly, daily. doughnuts, candy bars, chocolate, popcorn, girl scout cookies.

so just out of desperation, i googled “i can’t stop eating junk food” (lol), and the first web page i came to really laid it out to me, no pussyfooting around. i printed it off, i’m going to carry it with me everywhere, and i wanted to post it here, too.

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i wish i could eat whatever i wanted and then know that my workouts would make up for it. lol. my diet has been absolutely horrible the past couple days.

overeating at work, and then today, a client brought in cinnamon rolls, and i’m not going to lie, i had WAY MORE than my fair share. it was pure gluttony.

but, when i went to the gym, something came over me, and i had this intense energy. it was crazy. i was on the treadmill for half an hour (which is amazing, for me, considering i haven’t really been on one in a while because my leg was hurting so bad), and at the end i had it high as 8mph. i don’t know if that’s a lot or not to you guys, it felt a lot to me (my highest is usually around 5, sometimes 6). then it was on to my challenges (lunges,squats) and some more weight training/floor training (crunches, tricep dips, reverse crunches, stuff like that). i even got brave and started testing out some of the other equipment, like the rowing machine and leg press, stuff like that. i hopped on a elliptical for about 10-15minutes, then more weight/floor work… then a bike for 20 minutes. oh yeah and i wailed on a punching bag. there was only one guy in there, and that intense energy would not subside, and i was listening to my iPod and it came on “down with the sickness” by disturbed, and the punching bag looked like a good idea… omg. i love it. i want my own.

but i was there for about 2 hours. i don’t think i’ve ever sweated that much in a long time … i think since my junior year of high school when i was on the tennis team, lol. it felt.. so amazing. i wish i could get that everyday. it didn’t even feel like me, it was like.. i was borrowing the energy from someone else. i was like the fricken energizer rabbit.

of course, none of that prolly makes a difference, because of how i’ve been eating. *sigh* i want to find foods… that fill me up. and are healthy, obviously.

i need to learn how to just say no.

i feel like i am constantly yoyoing, from day to day.

i did super good yesterday, worked out, ate good, did my team challenges.

today i was doing great, eating good, went to the gym, did my challenges. then, at 10:30, when i only had half an hour.. HALF AN HOUR.. left of work, i succumbed to the smell of mozarella sticks and ended up eating a little bit of everything, taste testing, throwing away, until eventually it was full-on overeating. my weaknesses are chocolate + peanut butter (the new hershey candy bars OMG) and anything with cream… doughnuts, twinkies, hohos. augh.

it just annoys me more than anything that i can do this, go back and forth, and just give up so easily.

i used to look at overweight people and think “okay, all they got to do is stop eating so much crap and work out once in a while. there is no excuse”. but now i guess i have more empathy, because i know what it’s like to KNOW you shouldn’t eat something, yet you have the strong desire to anyway, and your willpower just isn’t strong enough.

it’s so frustrating when i try to talk to somebody about trying to lose weight, and they make it sound so easy - “well all you got to do is eat a little bit healthier, no more junk”. yes, in theory, that sounds easy. but, it’s like.. this huge flaw i have, i guess. i have no willpower when it comes to mindless eating. i don’t understand it, i don’t understand why i have this problem and other people don’t struggle at all. other people might be able to look at a doughnut or some cheeseballs or whatever, and think “nah” and walk away. for me, it’s this HUGE internal battle, every single time. and i don’t know why. is it just cravings, something my body is withdrawling from, like a drug? is it some genetic trait, maybe a hereditary culture-type thing that has been bred into me from birth. is it just my own fault, for being so weak minded?  i’m just.. boggled.

i told myself, what is done is done, this is one bad day, yesterday was one good day, and i have three more days for possible good days. but it’s still hard, because i so desperately wanted this week to be the week where i actually lost some weight, where i had some motivation to continue. i’m tired of my weight staying the same for this long (plus side; it’s not going up. but still). i’m afraid if i don’t see results soon, i’m just going to give up altogether.

i have no problem working out, for the most part i like exercising. it’s just the whole diet thing. sigh.

tomorrow i will try to make sure i get maximum benefit from every second, to make up for today. i won’t try to starve myself (i’m so afraid of that messing up my body almost more than overeating.. isn’t that silly??) but i will try to stick to whole, fresh foods (although there is becoming a decrease in our house.. grr) and lots and lots of exercise.

i would love some pearls of wisdom right now lol. just something.. anything… to help me control my junk food obsession. i feel like i’m teetering on the edge of a cliff.

i just made a bet with the friend i am backpacking across europe with this summer, and i think this, if nothing else, will push my motivation. i’m going to blog what we agreed upon here so i have public knowledge of this to push me even farther, not just my will to avoid complete humiliation lol.

I seriously don’t want to do that, and it would be heaven to be able to get foot massages whenever I want, or to get carried around when I get tired. So… I GOTTA WIN THIS.

I’m going to go and have my last supper now. Lol.

i am so … augh .. just … upset right now. i seriously threw a fit.

so today is weigh in day. guess how many pounds i lost?? NONE. that’s right. zero. doughnut hole. and i didn’t even EAT any doughnuts this week. i was sooo good. i mean, seriously. i stayed between 1300-1400 calories all week, i went to the gym every night… i mean.. what else do i have to do?!? this is so just… defeating. it’s like.. why bother? do i have to starve myself or something?

yeah, i expect plateaus. but not in the first week of changing my habits. i mean.. aren’t you supposed to lose all the easy weight, and then it gets harder? if it’s already hard now… it’s going to be impossible. i’m just so sick of my pants not fitting anymore, of having to wear my sister’s clothes, of looking at myself in the mirror before i take a shower and wanting to take a knife and just cut off all the loose flesh and rolls and cellulite and… augh.

today we have a work thing, a peels’ show… if you don’t know what peels is, it’s a salon/spa provider, they sell the shampoo and sugar scrubs and all sorts of product for store use and retail to salons and spas nationwide. and they have lots of fashion shows and etc, and so we have to go and take this stupid two hour sanitation class, which i don’t even need because i’m not a nail tech and i’m only going to be there three more months, anyway. but whatever. so, we have to go, and we have to look “cute”.. and i have no clothes that fit me! i just want to scream and pull my hair out. everyone else from the salon is tiny, so adorable, beautiful girls, and here is me, big hippo acne girl, and i just absolutely want to throw myself off a cliff.

i am seriously craving a huge slice of moist chocolate cake with tons of frosting.

lol. there isn’t any around.. but it just sounded good.

i’ve just felt so fatigued all week. maybe it’s because i’ve been working so much, i’m just wearing down. i can hardly make it to nine o’clock anymore without wanting to crash into my pillow

i’m getting kind of discouraged at the gym. i alternate between the elliptical and the bike, and a couple minutes into it.. i get SO TIRED. i don’t understand why i can’t stay on that thing. about 10-15 minutes is my max for elliptical before my legs feel like they are going to fall off .. but i used to do like, half an hour or longer when i was at school. and i remember those machines telling me i was burning about 10 cal/min.. whereas, this one, i’m lucky if i make it to 90 total! but.. i *feel* like i’m working harder than i do when i’m at home on the treadmill or doing a dvd. but mentally, i feel like i’m not doing anything.

what’s going on here? i’m really worried that i’m not doing anything, and this membership was a waste of money .. sigh.

we are going to famous daves tomorrow for lunch for a work thing. i really didn’t want to go until after lunch, but we are carpooling and the other girls wanted to, so i’m kind of forced to. it sucks doubly, because i really don’t have the money for it, and i don’t want to eat something horrible and ruin the little bit of progress i’ve made (almost a week without bingeing). have any of you been there… and would you know of anything to recommend? i tried looking for nutritional content online, but they really didn’t have a whole lot.

i feel like i’ve hit a plateau, which sucks because i just got OUT of my rut. and now i’m at a plateau. so… i’ve had, what, four or five days of uphill goodness? that’s just so unmotivating for me…. i don’t know where my enthusiasm went i’m just .. blah. yucky.

my parents are leaving, so i’ll be home alone. i really think i’m going to binge. i can feel it. i’m going to try not to. i mean.. i’m not going to lie, i know i’m going to find a snack or something. but hopefully i can stop myself before that snack turns into an hour-long-face-stuffing-extravaganza.

sigh. i need something productive to do, but i’m just so exhausted. gah.

have any of you ever had a charlie horse cramp? especially in the middle of the night — one of those cramps in your calves, or even sometimes they get in the arch of your foot or in your hamstrings. they are… completely, utterly horrible. i would say the worst pain in the world, but i’ve never been in labor yet, so i think i’ll save that judgement for a later date

i go through phases where, i’ll get them often, it seems every night… and then, they’ll go away for a while. i got one in the middle of the night last night, then got a couple more in the other leg! i was like “seriously… wtf?!” i don’t think they’ve ever been that bad. i guess except for the time i got one when i was *AWAKE* and on my tippie toes reaching in a high cupboard. that KILLED.

the worst thing is, too, i’m drinking so much water, i have to pee in the middle of the night… and when you get cramps, then try to walk to the bathroom… it hurts just to put any pressure down and stand, let alone walk at least i know it’s not because of dehydration.

i try to take a multivitamin daily, so… i mean, the only other causes i have heard of them is lack of potassium (which i was eating bananas by the tons, but stopped b/c we ran out, but we have more now.. yay!) and calcium (which… i really don’t drink milk, i have my reasons, lol… but i love cheese, and eat cottage cheese like crazy). does anyone get these, or know why we get them? maybe i’m just overworking and just not stretching enough. i always seem to neglect my calves since they are ‘tighter’ than my thighs, haha, so i focus more on working that flabby part

oh!! GREAT NEWS!!

I DIDN’T BINGE AT WORK LAST NIGHT!!!

in fact, i didn’t eat anythere there at all, except what i took with me — apple slices to dip in yogurt, a bunch of fruit/nut mix (pineapple, mango, grapes, pecans, almonds, walnuts), and a slimfast i’m soooo excited. i seriously have overate there every night i work for a month straight. but i just remembered my group (the fitness fanatics! YEAH!) and my bet with my family (biggest loser-esque hehe), and avoided even LOOKING at the doughnuts and fried foods, and kept myself occupied with dusting and reading and stuff. plus, i think it helps to know i’m quitting soon, haha.

well… i think i had more to say, but i can’t remember, so i’m going to try to squeeze in a quick workout before i have to shower. i’m getting my gym membership tonight, so i might go there after work too woohoo.

it’s defiantely the weather. it’s been nice, like in the 50s.. bright and sunny. it just puts you in a better place. *dances*

my mom just came to me with a proposition.

a family biggest loser. with her, me, and my sister (who is a senior in high school).

starting tomorrow. the final weigh in is may 19th, the day after my sister’s graduation. everyone is throwing $50 into a jar, and the person who has the highest weight % loss gets the jar.

this is totally more motivating for me. i mean, this site is great and all. but it’s hard to lose focus with people you don’t really know. i don’t mean that in a mean way at all. you guys have been encouraging, and i love that (in fact, i wrote a blog about it!). but i get so distracted. i think, having someone in person, will be such a big motivator. plus, i’m scrimping for money because of my upcoming trip, so that will be another motivator!

my mom is really excited, which is strange, because i haven’t seen her like, giddy like this for a while haha. i think she thinks she is going to win, and she is the heaviest, so maybe so. she is also talking about doing the nutrisystem diet lol. it’s okay, because i’m getting a gym membership, so that will be my “advantage”. i would say my sister is the odd one out, but she has a new love interest, and you all know how that can make you drop weight, even without meaning to! lol.

i’m super excited. ahh! yay!

in other news, i think i’m quitting my job at the gas station. it’s stressful, even though i love the clients and getting to know the ‘regulars’… my coworkers are mean old crones who are constantly critizing and sniping at me plus, i overeat there. i think i’m going to take on more hours at the salon, which would be good because it pays more, and it’s in the same town that my gym is in, so i can go there. the only downside is there is stress there, too, although i think right now, it’s better than the stuff i’m dealing with at the other place! i’m going to talk to my salon boss tomorrow, and my gas station boss next week.

i feel like, stuff is falling together for me. i mean, i still overate at work tonight, but i’m feeling a lot more optimistic and motivated in my mind, which is a step up from feeling hopeless and pessimistic. now i just got to put that into action.

woooo.

do you guys count your calories, or just try to eat healthy?

for the longest time, i counted everything i ate.. and yeah, i lost weight. this time around, though, i’m looking at it differently. i’ve been trying to get more into going raw/vegan (although i know i’ll never be 100%, and that’s okay), and focusing more on what i put *into* my body versus just calories. i mean, you can eat 100 calories worth of fruit or 100 calories worth of m&ms… but the person who eats the fruit will be healthier, right? or… does it really not matter at all? i like to think it does…

so that brings me to my problem. now that i’m eating more “raw”, it’s harder to know exactly how many calories i’m eating. for example, i’ll usually eat a piece of fruit or one of my homemade energy bars (recipe complements of brendan brazier, of the ‘thrive’ diet) for breakfast, which.. fruit alone is easy, you can just look it up. but when you make something like an energy bar, you have to count all the calories, then divide by how many servings you eventually get out of it, which.. is still possible (although lengthy).. i won’t even attempt to do that with fat/protein/carbs/etc, which is what the buddyslim food log keeps track of.

i usually make a post-workout smoothie, and then counting gets trickier. i don’t measure.. i’m more of the ‘toss here or there’ gal. some strawberries, blueberries, hey look a mango, score… some flaxseed for fiber and maybe a thing of celery.. i mean… lol. it’s completely random and different every time. so that poses a problem for my food log too

i wouldn’t worry about it, but people have me freaking out about eating too little. they say if you go under 1200 calories, you do harm to your body. i don’t want to slow my metabolism or anything! so, i eat pretty good (i think so) during the day, but at night i think a combination of pure temptation/cravings, boredom, and worrying that i didn’t eat enough calories (lol), all lend themselves to me bingeing or eating more junk than i should.

do you guys worry about not eating enough? or enough of the right stuff? or… am i being paranoid? augh. being healthy is so… overwhelming! i just want to say “toss it all!” and just eat when i’m hungry, ‘healthy foods’, i mean.. instinctive eating, you know? just following my intuition on what is right and wrong, good and bad. is that naive?