Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

last night was absolutely horrible.

 i was in a good mood during the morning, watching what i ate, playing with the food chart graph (lol), and i worked out - both yoga and weight lifting. i head to work, and then it’s just like… overtakes me.

doughnuts. hamburgers. corndog. candy bars. hot chocolate. chips. it’s not that i’m hungry, and i’m not emotionally unbalanced (that day), as far as i can tell. it’s just… this insatiable urge to shovel food into my mouth, looking around the store… ah! food! eat.

i mean.. i wasn’t depriving myself in the morning. i had a PLAN for work, although my plans never get stuck to. i was a little bored, but i brought books so that shouldn’t have been the problem. and i wasn’t overly hungry or upset about something.. so..

i mean, it’s getting so much worse. i actually got really, really sick.. i had to call my parents and have them get me. i could hardly close the store or walk or anything. i felt like i was going to die.. i just wanted to lay on the floor and go to sleep, but the pain hurt too much. this is my first binge that has ever put me in real physical pain (not including the “omg my stomach is so full, why do i do this?” pain i usually get when i binge). i wanted to throw up so bad, but i just can’t make myself (believe me.. i’ve tried). i’m such a baby like that.

but.. i just don’t know how to control this anymore. it’s getting, so out of hand. i don’t know if it’s something that food does to my brain to make me happy (like an addiction??), or if it’s a replacement for some subsconcious need i’m repressing (being lonely? being rejected? not having sex in how long? lol). or is it just my low self-esteem that makes me give up so easily?

everyone tells me i’m so strong.. but i’m really not. since i was really little, i have given up at so much, so terrified of somebody looking at me, judging me, me not doing the right thing. i would rather shrink away, hide in the shadows, and not be noticed than be noticed unfavorably… and then, i grow up, look back onto my life, and realize that not being noticed and keeping myself hidden and shy for so long, i have hardly any good memories. i have felt this way for so long, and i so desperately want to change.. but i just… can’t.

i’m kind of thinking about seeing a counselor or something. which terrifies me, because.. although i can write to strangers, talking to someone in person is a different matter. first of all, it’s in person, and i used to have really bad social phobias (i.e. i couldn’t go into a gas station to pay or a store to ask for an application, stuff like that). secondly, it’s.. talking to a person. and, for some reason, i have like, this chip censor in my head that prevents me from being fully 100% open and honest with ANYONE.. even a guy i was dating for 3+ years. it just.. stops me from talking. it’s the most supressing sensation.

so.. i don’t know. i’ve kind of had people telling me i should “talk to someone” for a while now (since i was probably about 14), and i thought about it off and on, but i figured, why pay somebody to sit and listen to my problems? what could they possibly do? plus, i don’t want to go on any medications… if i get healthy, i want to be healthy. on my own. not dependent on something else. you know?

i mean, this binge eating thing is out of control, but i think it’s just a part of everything that is so wrong in my life. i want to fix it, but there’s so much more i feel that probably needs fixing too. and maybe if i fix something else, that will fix this. lol… that was way too much use of the word “fix”.

i have this image of who i want to be, the kind of person i want to be… and it’s like, almost a 180 degree-turn from the person i am.. and that scares me. do i aspire to be this person who, in my head, is so much better? i mean, that gives me how much of a percantage of failure? it is really possible to CHANGE? or, do i try to come to terms with who i am now? but is that ever really going to be enough, am i really that good enough to be satisfied with who i am?