Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i need to.. get .. focused.

i am half-assing everything. that just isn’t going to do.

i’ve started working out a bit more, which is good, although.. i used to LOVE going on the treadmill, but now, since my foot/leg has been hurting so bad, it is a strain just to stay on the darned thing for 20 minutes! i need a massage or something.. pronto. it sucks when you have the will to do something like exercise, but your body just doesn’t want to cooperate. augh.

and then, with my eating. it’s not so much bingeing as it is overeating.. which.. i guess, is a good thing, right? it’s progressing. bingeing is to the point of you feel sick and miserable and terribly guilty. lately, it’s been.. overeating, but not to the point of utter uncomfortableness. does that make sense? i just need to find a way to direct my attention away from food.

my body isn’t supposed to be this heavy. i have those rolls now, more prominent, on my back, and my stomach is way more poochy. this most disgusting thing, though, is when i extend my arms straight out (horizontal to the floor, perpindicular to my body)… my forearms are nice and lean, but my triceps are like.. three times the size. just.. hanging there. like… bags. it’s so gross. lol. i laugh, but it’s really not funny. and, i’ve been working on my arms a LOT… when i first started lifting weights and stuff, i concentrated on my arms (since my stomach wasn’t that much of a problem then). and now, i would have to say about 75% or so of my weight-training exercises are directed towards my arms/shoulders/whatever. so… idk.

okay. new resolve. i’m not going to live this way anymore. it’s time to get tough. it’s not going to kill me if i DONT eat that doughnut. i’ll.. carry lots of books with me to read. it’s always easier when you slip yourself away in another world.

i wish i could run

okay just had a little tussle with a mini-binge thing that could very well escalate but i think i stopped it.

i don’t even know. i was talking with my friend who i’m going to europe with, and he was starting to frustrate me a lot, and then i went to make a sandwhich and all we have is brick cheese, not slice cheese or anything, and i got frustrated with cutting that (and it’s harder to measure out nutritional content) and my mom stole some of my cheese, which pissed me off, because after that really big binge she’s like, watching EVERYTHING i eat, i think trying to help me so i don’t overeat, but it sucks because it makes me so self conscious of what i am eating and of what she’s thinking of me (plus, when i binge, i can hide it from her anyway, so she never knows) and how fat i am. and then we got into a little argument thingie and.. i snitched one of my dad’s hostess cinnamon roll things.

i mean.. okay. sandwhich + cinnamon roll, guessing around let’s see… 450 calories or so, from what i glanced at the box when i was trying to be naive about what i was shoveling in my mouth. not a binge, really, but i think it topped out my calories versus how much i burnt, and … i had told myself i was done for the night.

positively, i stopped myself before it got worse. negatively, i shouldn’t have fallen to that in the first place.

i just want to be thin and pretty. *sigh* why do things have to be so difficult?

i so envy the girls who can eat junk 24/7 and stay how they are. me, i gain weight everywhere, from my face to my thighs, and everything in between.

life is so unfair.

i think today was a good baby-step day for me. i woke up about 8:30ish (from a dream about buying my own headstone… how very .. depressing) and had a healthy breakfast that i haven’t had in a long while: a fruit smoothie. i used to make them all the time, buying tons of frozen bagged fruit (otherwise they go bad so fast .. sniff) and that dannon light & fit yogurt. then, you can just add a fruit juice (i like the 100% no-sugar added cranberry juice) and some ice and blend. (water if you want it not as thick). it’s great because it’s really low calorie wise, but fills you up.. and you can play around with the ingredients, like different fruit and yogurt flavors. the only bad thing is the blender gives me a headache (lol) and it makes me really cold afterwards. i used to drink those after workouts, too.

then i did a couple workouts - my billy blanks cardio bootcamp, which i haven’t done in FOREVER and i forgot how much i loved, and then my yoga booty ballet: goddess booty dvd. i want to get to the point where yoga is part of my daily routine, for example in the mornings to calm me down, and then walking is part of my daily routine at night (it’s too cold and muddy out right now).. and then whatever workout i decide to do that day (cardio or weights).

i did have a stressful morning/afternoon… i think my mother just brings it out in me. don’t get me wrong, i love her, very much.. but for some reason it seems she pushes my buttons so easily. i get easily frustrated, annoyed, and hurt.. which may be totally uncalled for, but i’m so horrible at controlling my emotions. so, even though i didn’t binge and had a pretty healthy lunch (grilled chicken in a smart soft wrap with peppers and cheese), i had to head off to work and figured it would be a crappy night, almost preparing myself for the inevitable inhalation of chocolate candies or something.

work started out equally bad as how i left home, when i realized that someone had booked two hours massages back to back, both with male clients, followed by a half-hour massage a while later. i was just really not looking forward to straining my body and working to provide extra strength to try to work on not one, but two, tension-filled masculine backs for two hours straight. after my first massage though (who is an excellent tipper), i cheered up a little bit, and got almost a little energy boost. i love it when that happens, and i remember part of the reason why i love doing what i do so much.

after that, work ran pretty smoothly, and i didn’t think so pessimistically about my appointments. i even stayed on track, food wise, and snacked on only what i brought: a bunch of baby carrots and a banana. lots of water helped, too!

so.. i think, this is a good day for me. i did stress out a lot, in the morning, but i overcame it later this afternoon, and stayed on track… this might be my first night sans binge!! i feel pretty full, and although i feel a little part of me wanting to ransack through my dad’s snack cupboards (cinnamon rolls and hohos call to me), i might be able to hold back. plus, my food log for today has my calorie count pretty low (which surprised me, for how much i feel i ate), so i think if i start craving really bad, i can have a snack later on.. maybe some yogurt or a bowl of cereal or something.

i’m not deluding myself into thinking that, because i had one good day, my days of emotional bingeing are over. (i tried thinking like that before, and it snuck up on me so fast, knocking me on my butt.) i know i have a lot to overcome still, and i still am thinking about talking to a therapist or something.

but.. one good day can feel pretty good.

right now is an internal battle i’m trying so hard to control.

i’ve tried to be good all day, and i’ve blogged a little, and i think i’ve come to the conclusion about some of my problems. i mean, i’m not a pyschiatrist or anything, and i know many, many factors can contribute to something like bingeing, but i think this is a part of it. i’ve realized that i really don’t have anybody.

i know that sounds really emo or something, and i’ve said it many, many times , but right now i actually feel it. i try to be so independent and responsible, that i let all these emotions and feelings well up inside me. when i finally break down and reach out, there’s nobody there.

i have people that say they are here for me. my mother, i guess. my sister and dad don’t even actually give the pretense of support. i have a couple people i would consider friends.. not best friends, not people i can trust all the time… acquantainces, mostly, that i chat with from time to time when i’m bored or something. but today… i’ve never felt lonlier.

i talk, and nobody hears me. this happens a lot with my mom. for as long as i can remember, she’ll forget things we’ve talked about, conversations we’ve had… things from my work schedule to something she promised me yesterday. and half the time - or more than that - when i speak to her, i’m ignored. not intentionally, to be cruel. she just never takes the time to actually listen to what i say. and it really hurts. it hurts having to tell somebody my work schedule, which has been the same for a year, week after week. it hurts when somebody promises me they are going to pick something up for me, and then completely space it off or don’t even remember. and this is something that i never asked for, something that was volunteered to be done.

or like.. she brought up the idea of talking to somebody. so i got online this morning and looked at a couple people in the omaha area, and printed off sheets to put on her desk. not a word to me about them. i know she looked at them, at least briefly, they have moved. but.. she’s flaking out, i know it. why, why would you suggest that, and then.. not care? or not want to be involved? or anything? it just doesn’t make sense to me.

then, angry, hurt and upset, i start to ignore what SHE says, i do what SHE does to me, to her. but.. she doesn’t even NOTICE. for cripe’s sake, she’s too distracted by playing with the dog to notice i’m hurting.

nobody notices i’m hurting.

i went through a phase, my sophmore year, where i started cutting myself. not to die, just to… feel pain, to hurt, to punish myself for being such an awful person that nobody wanted to be my friend or hear me. i know it was stupid and wrong, and you can judge me however you will, for being a poser, or whatever.. i know i partly did it because i wanted somebody to notice. i wanted somebody to CARE. nobody did.

anyway. i feel these things today, these bursts of hurt and disappointment and anger, and then i want to eat. there is a bag of doritos calling to me right now. i’m so tempted. i know i’ll probably get sick. i know i’ll get fatter. i know i’ll hate myself. but.. just for a moment, while i’m eating, there’s a sense of being full, that signal, that hormorne, whatever it is that happens to my brain when food is injested, that makes me feel not so bad.

i mean, i suppose it’s many things for many people. alcohol. cigarettes. hard drugs. for me.. it’s food.

it sucks, too, because in a couple months, i’ll be heading off to greece and the rest of europe, full of beaches and fun and happy. and i’ll be so embarassed, so self-conscious to ever put on a bathing suit or anything.

i don’t WANT to be this way. the person i want to be is thin, beautiful, happy, loved, quirky in an interesting sort of way, funny, and just.. everybody loves her.

and then i look in the mirror, at the person i am, and i’m just so…

i’ve never hated somebody more.

last night was absolutely horrible.

 i was in a good mood during the morning, watching what i ate, playing with the food chart graph (lol), and i worked out - both yoga and weight lifting. i head to work, and then it’s just like… overtakes me.

doughnuts. hamburgers. corndog. candy bars. hot chocolate. chips. it’s not that i’m hungry, and i’m not emotionally unbalanced (that day), as far as i can tell. it’s just… this insatiable urge to shovel food into my mouth, looking around the store… ah! food! eat.

i mean.. i wasn’t depriving myself in the morning. i had a PLAN for work, although my plans never get stuck to. i was a little bored, but i brought books so that shouldn’t have been the problem. and i wasn’t overly hungry or upset about something.. so..

i mean, it’s getting so much worse. i actually got really, really sick.. i had to call my parents and have them get me. i could hardly close the store or walk or anything. i felt like i was going to die.. i just wanted to lay on the floor and go to sleep, but the pain hurt too much. this is my first binge that has ever put me in real physical pain (not including the “omg my stomach is so full, why do i do this?” pain i usually get when i binge). i wanted to throw up so bad, but i just can’t make myself (believe me.. i’ve tried). i’m such a baby like that.

but.. i just don’t know how to control this anymore. it’s getting, so out of hand. i don’t know if it’s something that food does to my brain to make me happy (like an addiction??), or if it’s a replacement for some subsconcious need i’m repressing (being lonely? being rejected? not having sex in how long? lol). or is it just my low self-esteem that makes me give up so easily?

everyone tells me i’m so strong.. but i’m really not. since i was really little, i have given up at so much, so terrified of somebody looking at me, judging me, me not doing the right thing. i would rather shrink away, hide in the shadows, and not be noticed than be noticed unfavorably… and then, i grow up, look back onto my life, and realize that not being noticed and keeping myself hidden and shy for so long, i have hardly any good memories. i have felt this way for so long, and i so desperately want to change.. but i just… can’t.

i’m kind of thinking about seeing a counselor or something. which terrifies me, because.. although i can write to strangers, talking to someone in person is a different matter. first of all, it’s in person, and i used to have really bad social phobias (i.e. i couldn’t go into a gas station to pay or a store to ask for an application, stuff like that). secondly, it’s.. talking to a person. and, for some reason, i have like, this chip censor in my head that prevents me from being fully 100% open and honest with ANYONE.. even a guy i was dating for 3+ years. it just.. stops me from talking. it’s the most supressing sensation.

so.. i don’t know. i’ve kind of had people telling me i should “talk to someone” for a while now (since i was probably about 14), and i thought about it off and on, but i figured, why pay somebody to sit and listen to my problems? what could they possibly do? plus, i don’t want to go on any medications… if i get healthy, i want to be healthy. on my own. not dependent on something else. you know?

i mean, this binge eating thing is out of control, but i think it’s just a part of everything that is so wrong in my life. i want to fix it, but there’s so much more i feel that probably needs fixing too. and maybe if i fix something else, that will fix this. lol… that was way too much use of the word “fix”.

i have this image of who i want to be, the kind of person i want to be… and it’s like, almost a 180 degree-turn from the person i am.. and that scares me. do i aspire to be this person who, in my head, is so much better? i mean, that gives me how much of a percantage of failure? it is really possible to CHANGE? or, do i try to come to terms with who i am now? but is that ever really going to be enough, am i really that good enough to be satisfied with who i am?

I like this site, and how it counts all the calories/proteins/carbs/etc for you, and graphs it. Very nice. But, there are a lot of bugs, and I’m wondering if it’s just me, or everyone has these problems? Like, I add in my own food, and I had to add in milk three times before it would show up right (I only drink 1/2 c. for a serving, instead of a full cup, and this site doesn’t like anything but whole numbers.. which also sucks for weight-loss tracking purposes, because sometimes you only lose .5lbs a week, and if you can’t chart that, it has to be a little more depressing). Plus, it would randomly count something as “0″ in the food log, and I’d have to go in and manually change it. It was annoying.

Also, PeerTrainer was nice because there were groups of only 4 or less, which made everything personal. Here, I’ve looked in the forums, and it’s harder to find “groups”, and when I did find a bunch of people who were supporting each other, it was a BUNCH of people.. like 10+ pages of comments in a thread. I don’t see how anyone gets to know each other through here with everything being so generalized. I don’t know.

I was in a good mood this morning, and I’m starting to get a headache, which sucks because I don’t want to work out now (I did some yoga, but I need to do some weight training or something) and I have to work in a couple hours. That is always where I binge, and if I’m not in a good mood with a good mindset.. I know it will be doughnut-central for me. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I have been having problems with motivation lately, so I turned to Google and searched “weight loss support blog” and found this site! I used PeerTrainer for a couple months, but it was hard finding people who really logged and supported.. plus, the team I was in was for 20-somethings, and they just made me feel worse about myself when they complained about their size four figures. Lol. So, here I am.. hopefully this works out for me.

I lost about 10 pounds in the past couple months, then the past three weeks, gained it all (plus a couple more) back. I think it started when I got my tattoo, as I couldn’t work out for a couple days while it was healing. I got out of the rhythm, and then I got into a huge fight with my family (which is over now) and had a lot of boy drama (this guy I was really into had a girlfriend he lied about and was really messing with my head), so I turned to emotional eating.. which, working part-time at a conveience store, equalled tons of doughnuts and fried foods.

Now, I’m not so much emotional, as I am “bored” eating, and it has lapsed into my home diet as well. Plus… it just.. tastes good, so I have a really hard time telling myself no or “just one”, because once I have one, I want five more.

I am going to Europe in June, and I really want to be in shape. I have no illusions about getting to a size zero or anything.. I just want to be more toned, and get rid of my belly. (It was really smaller until I started lapsing on my diet) So, right now I just need to get back on track, and stay motivated, and work on my self-control. I only have three months!!

I hope this website helps!