Chronicles of a Carb-o-holic

i know that getting healthy, into shape, should be an important aspect of my life. i want it to be. i seriously have issues with my body, i know i am overweight, i am getting frustrated because it’s hard to find clothes that fit me anymore, and the flab just seems overwhelming.

but i’m finding it hard to keep in mind this importance. i feel like, all of a sudden, overwhelmed, like i’m dealing with so much. idk. i’ve been living at my boyfriend’s family’s house since i got back. when i am not there, the sisters and his dad ask about me, so i know that they somewhat want and need me here, and i’m glad to help at all with everything that is going on. although i really don’t help with housework, i do try to keep an eye on the kids so everything doesn’t get too stressful, and i’m kind of an emotional bounceboard for anybody who needs to talk about anything. and i know me being here helps diffuse bad situations. everybody handles grief differently, and my boyfriend is tending to handle it with anger. i know he can’t help it, and it’s difficult, when you have a short fuse and don’t know why.. but when i’m here i can help cheer him up or listen to him vent about something that might bother him more than it should, and help when there is tension between him and the rest of the family. i’m really close to one of his sisters, and she has been talking to me a lot (dealing with her grief with almost some bitterness and anger at God, and a lot of sadness of course).

so.. i’m glad i’m here but the housing situation doesn’t help a lot with trying to work out (impossible with so many people, next week we are DEFINATELY getting a gym membership, I SWEAR) and eating right (when you are eating emotionally and also so many good foods and big dinners everynight).

then, i’ve been thinking a lot about my faith. the whole family - my boyfriend included - are trying to handle their grief by focusing on faith, which i think is a good thing, and their mom was really spiritual and tried to get them to go to church and everything, so i think part of it is wanting to carry that on, too. not saying these people were athiests before she passed.. but there is a difference between calling yourself a christian and actively participating to try to bring God more fully in your life. you know?

and of course that brings up issues with my boyfriend. we were thinking of getting our own place, but now it’s like … should we? it’s hard trying to reevaluate our relationship, trying to build up a new relationship with a strong foundation, because.. well i mean we have dated before but it always fell apart, and even though i know we have both grown through these years, i want to make this work and work right. but when i try to talk to him more about it (he brings it up) then he doesn’t want to, and it frustrates me because i don’t know where my life is going at all… what i should be doing, where i need to be… idk.

augh. this blog. my blogs always turn out differently than how i expect them to. i’m really frustrated with myself because there are things i want, like trying to get fit, but it’s just hard to keep focused. and then i feel almost… vain… for wanting to focus on this alot. not for wanting to get in shape, i should take care of my body, but i’ve always had the thought, keep in my brain, that if i looked better my life would be better, which is totally silly, but those vain-type thoughts, wanting to be “hot”, makes me feel like a bad person. augh. i need to find a good balance with everything. i’m just so overwhelmed right now.

sorry guys. i really hope i get my focus back soon. i hate typing these poopy blogs

Unfourtunately, earlier than I wanted to be. I had spent my month in Greece, then was backpacking through Italy, actually on my way to Germany when I got some really bad news. My on-again-off-again boyfriend of seven years’ mom just passed away. It was incredibly sudden and unexpected and all I could think about was that I had to get home ASAP. I mean, Europe will always be there, I can go back later, but no way could I enjoy myself there when I knew my “second family” was hurting bad. I mean, she was basically like my second mom… there was a point in my life where I spent more time at their house than I did at mine.

So.. that’s been rough. I’ve been basically living with their family, trying to be strong and comfort them… one thing about funerals, is that everybody sends foods… cookies, cupcakes, brownies… I finally weighed myself yesterday, and I had lost some weight (even though while in Europe my diet consisted of beer, pizza, and gelato LOL) but I know if I don’t do something soon, I will gain it all back. My boyfriend and I are looking at a gym at the local hospital, and I know I need to get a job soon… the main thing right now is eating, because there is constantly food around, and when you don’t know what to do or say.. you eat.. you know?

Hm. Well I think I’m going to go for now, see if there is any room for me again in my old group, and maybe soon I will have photos up if anybody cares to see them. Europe really was pretty great, besides the arriving (my taxi driver in Athens ripped me off 200 euros) and the trying to leave in an emergency (I got stuck in London when my passport was stolen.. US Embassy won’t even help you unless you have money…. wtf??).

Well, I hope everybody here is doing well, and hopefully I get back into the groove soon!

i’m going to be a big fat pig forever and ever and there is nothing i can ever do about it, i just suck at life, and i hate all these people who it’s so easy to be thin, and it pisses me off so much, when i have nothing else ever going for me, and all this shit yeah let’s just make her overweight on top of it, because her life doesn’t suck as much as it possibly could..

i don’t even want to go to europe anymore, just to be so fucking self conscious and worried about how i look constantly and being surrounded by thin beautiful people… i just can’t… do… this

i suck. fuck.

i am.. so estatic right now.

for one day, one WHOLE ENTIRE DAY, i actually did good.. ALL DAY!!!!

for those of you who didn’t get to read my super-happy-vent on the forums, i will explain cuz… i’m long winded like that, lol.

so, for the longest time, i’ve been struggling, as you can see from my weight chart, i’ve gained more than i’ve lost.. boo. i go up and down with exercising, but the really horrible thing is my diet… i binge on junk when i get bored, or upset, or lonely, or.. anything really.

today i started off strong by making myself get up at 6:30 AM to work out. i was really stressin about this, because whenever i try to wake up early, i always snooze my alarm clock and make excuses. it’s sooooooo hard to get out of bed. it was even embedded into my subconscious, because i was dreaming about waking up and doing my workouts lol.

i was going to do our fitness challenges, but… i’m retarded when it comes to trying to do moves that i have to read about and can’t see, so i did a dvd instead.. my yoga booty ballet: goddess booty… it works your tushy, hard core

then i made sure to have a nice, fullfilling breakfast, cereal with lots of fiber and protein, minimal sugar (so hard to find!!!!). and then, off to work i went.

work is usually where my first binge begins. a couple hershey kisses, some cookies from the freezer.. lol. my boss even brought in leftover graduation cake from her daughters party, but somehow.. i resisted!!! i wasn’t even craving that much, it was awesome. i stayed to my diet, and had some yogurt for a snack and then one of those south beach died meals .. the santa fe chicken is yummy yummy! i even added some fresh tomato slices to it, for a veggie :p and i didn’t snack on junk, not at all!!!

then, my coworker wanted to go on a walk after work, so we did that before our pilates class, which is an hour long. by then, though, i really had to pee from all the water i drank, lol, and i was feeling a little tired (i forgot to have a snack beforehand, oopsie) so i didn’t do my best, and was even dragging a little… looking into the mirror made me want to cry a little because i seemed extra short and pudgy today. thinking about it now.. it sucked.

but none of that. becuase i came home, cut up an apple and a nanner for a snack, then went for a two-mile walk with our puppies. usually i try to jog a couple stretches, but i don’t know if it’s because i’ve gained some weight or what, but… it like, hurts to jog. my ankles, my feet, my shins… augh. so i walked. i need to find a better cardio. for a while, during the winter, running was fun… but now i’m like, burnt out on it or something. it doesn’t hold the same appeal.

but no sad faces. lol. i’m going to try to stay positive, because after that, i made a little dinner… okay, it wasn’t super healthy, a frozen burrito, lol… but i had salsa on it, pace, which… does that count as a veggie serving btw? lol. and it fit well below my allotted calories for the day, so much that i let myself have a big bowl of cereal (cap’n crunch.. lol..) without worrying about calories because i know i’m really low today. so… okay, yeah, my dinner wasn’t like really healthy or anything… but… that’s still like, a big step for me so.. even though, it seems like i had my ups and downs today, my night is ending on an up, which is awesome. i just hope this is what i needed.. one day, just one day to do stuff good and keep focused. i imagine it’s like a boulder at the top of a hill. one day gives me the push i need to gain momentum and keep on going down the hill.

corny, right? lol. oh well.

i hope everybody had a great monday! (ironic,yes, lol, sorry!!)

thank you all so much for pushing me and motivating me… i know it took a while.. but hopefully… whiny luka won’t be around as much. i kind of like optimistic luka. she doesn’t give me such a headache

so i was talking to my coworker who has been to greece before; she was talking about running a lot b/c her and her hubby are going on vacation next month to a beach-y area, and she didn’t want to look flabby next to all the beach bunnies, which… this girl teaches pilates, is really tall and thin and she has nothing to worry about. anyway. so, i look at her and reply “how do you think i feel going to greece in a month?!” and she proceeded to tell me about HER time in greece.

 she was 15 lbs lighter (which, omg, i can’t imagine being that tiny) and she wanted to buy pants over there, and their pants are sized S, M, L, XL, etc… not numbers like ours. and.. she was an XL. !!!!!!!!!!!! apparently all the girls are so tiny over there.. which… augh.. just makes me feel worse about myself and my cottage cheese thighs and back rolls. will i ever set foot in the ocean there?!?! maybe fully clothed.. sniff sniff…

i guess they have an 80% bulimic rate, which explains the littleness. but it’s still so intimidating. i know it’s unhealthy, but sometimes i wish i was strong enough to be aneorexic, to say “no” to food… or brave enough to try to make myself throw up. i can’t throw up. ew. but i wish i could. isn’t that messed up??

i suddenly feel much more depressed about my trip

this has nothing to do with weight loss but i need to talk or blog or something and i feel safe here.

my sister flipped her jeep over the side of a hill, and ended up in the hospital. it took about 1/2 an hour to cut her out of the jeep (her airbag didn’t go off), and they think she broke her nose, knee, leg, foot… etc… i say think because our hospital is crappy. but yeah. her nose is all swollen and her lip and shit.

and, i’m going to be the first to say, i’m a horrible sister.

i was worried, yeah. but mostly, i was pissed. because i knew why she wrecked, and that was confirmed tonight. because.. tada.. she was drinking.

and, i knew. i knew she was with her friend drinking when i got home from work, i could tell something was up when they left. i didn’t say anything, because i was annoyed (she is 18, and a senior in high school), and she lies about shit all the time anyway, so she would have denied it and we would have gotten into a fight… whatever.. i’m making excuses, because i should have stopped her, but i didn’t. and she lies to me about everything, smoking, drinking, whatever. i used to care, but i’ve gotten to the point where i’m so mad that she lies, and doesn’t confide in me, and everybody makes excuses for her, that i sometimes think, whatever, let her do what she wants, she will learn her lesson eventually.

and now, this has happened, and i’m a horrible sister for ever thinking that.

and what’s worse, is everybody is babying her and nobody is upset and i should be worried about her and wanting her to get better, but all i can think about is how mad i am that she did that and nobody seems to care, and she is going to get all this babying attention, and .. it doesn’t seem right. she made my mom almost pass out and freak out from worrying her daughter was going to die, and it pisses me off. i dont know.

i have all these thoughts in my head, and i just know i’m this awful, mean, person who isn’t caring or sympathetic or anything, and my mom has told me not to be mad at her, but i can’t help it, i can’t just forgive her and let this all be forgotten. this could have happened so many times, it’s amazing it’s been this long. and i think back to all the times this could have happened to my parents. i feel like i’m the only sane responsible one, and i hate it.

and, i’m going to admit this.

think badly of me, if you want, nobody could think worse of myself than i am right now.

but, a little part of me was thinking…. funny… ironic… how… i always imagine myself getting in a bad car wreck.. but it happens to her instead….

idk…..

i just needed to talk. but im really tired. so.. idk.

so today officially kind of starts the new weight-loss week. last week, i didn’t work out as much as i could have, athough i’ve been walking more. i tried counting calories, and i got to about midday or so before i gave up on it and started overreating so.. i gained .5lb. which sucks.. but at least it’s not my normal 2 or something. lol. and, i did get discouraged last week, but that really didn’t happen until around thursday, versus usually i throw in the towel about monday or tuesday… so i think that’s a good improvement, for me anyway

this week had the potential for starting off bad… i laid in bed past noon, not really wanting to get up, feeling really bad about myself.. thinking, nothing is going on today, i’ll prolly just get up and bum around, eat a lot of junk, etc. eventually i made myself get up and it looked sunny out, so i went outside and it was sooooooooooooo nice. like, absolutely beautiful. so i went for a walk with the wiener dog 2 miles (i think, we live in the country lol so everything is kind of in one-mile blocks) and i jogged a bit of it.. prolly about 3/4 of a mile. very slow jogging, mind you, lol. but it felt good

and, i got back, and was in a good mood, so i lifted weights. woo. go me.

ANNNND our family decided to grill, since it’s so nice.. but instead of gorging myself on cheeseburgers, i had them throw a chicken on the grill for me. yummm. and full of protein. yay.

so, it’s safe to say i’m in a good mood, and i really would like this to last all week. i might try mentally splitting my week up in half, with a mini-weigh in on wednesday, because right now it’s hard to keep up the motivation the entire week (although i’m getting better), so if i think “i only have to make it to wednesday” and then to saturday, maybe it will be a good lifter for me, to check in on myself and see how i’m doing.

i really want to do stuff today, i wish i had a workout buddy or somebody i could hang out with or do stuff with that’s the only thing about dieting and trying to get healthy, it’s easier with somebody with you. although this site has helped a lot.

so.. that’s been my sunday. i hope everybody is having a great weekend!!! xoxo.

so i’m sitting here at work, crying and feeling sorry for myself. i feel like an idiot.

i managed to keep temptation at bay for a couple hours, but, of  course, me being ME… i completely inhaled all these cookies, kisses, mini peanut butter cups… everything. part of me is angry that this stuff is ALWAYS AROUND, and i seem to be the only one who gets fat when i eat it. but the main part of me knows i shouldn’t blame anybody but myself, and .. that sucks.

i suck. i’m a sucky person. yes, this is a pity party, i know.. it’s pathetic. i just can’t get past this, and it bugs the hell out of me. why do i struggle with food, when i KNOW i will get fatter and i KNOW i will feel like shit afterwards? why ME? augh.

i’m leaving in a month. i’m totally hideous, i made the mistake of trying on a swimsuit the other day, and i wanted to hang myself. i can’t do anything because i’m so self-conscious, in the back of my mind is the nigling thought that i’m a big cow and nobody will ever like me and i’ll never be pretty and i’ll just waste away my youth and never be happy in life ever.

my sister is overweight, weighs more than i do, yet she like.. pulls it off, and she looks damn cute, and it pisses me off, because i just look horribly disgusting.

i really want to lose weight so badly more than i’ve wanted anything yet i keep sabotouging myself and i HATE THAT yet i can’t stop.. it’s like, i’m my own worst enemy and i don’t know what to do!!!!

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

i’ve been good all day, woke myself up to walk/jog, had a good breakfast, etc.. and now i’m at work and it’s like, i’ve inhaled three cookies and a couple mini-kit-kats and mini-reeses-cups.

yeah, i’m hungry, so that’s part of it. i should prolly eat something healthy and fullfilling versus something junky.

but then.. idk. i think i’m a little stressed. last friday i blocked myself out of work, stayed home, took a break.. and apparently my boss got really pissed and was complaining about me to the other workers and stuff. which, i used to love my job, but it got all messed up when everybody started arguring and quitting and now it’s stress and drama, which i wasn’t even apart of but somehow i’m starting to be? anyway, so that happened, and i didn’t realize it would be a big deal i wasn’t there. i am technically a massage therapist, although i don’t have a lot of clientele, so i’m still on hourly, so i’m like, a receptionist too. which, is fine, but most people i think are starting to think of me as JUST a receptionist, and since we are low on staff, i’m here a LOT, doing reception-y stuff. and so.. they expect me to be here.

which, i understand when you are busy and the phones are ringing and the tanners are backed up and you are behind.. that sucks. i’m starting to feel guilty when i’m NOT at work, and THAT sucks, because it’s a job. my boss should take on the responsibility of hiring somebody else, and not leaving me to take up the slack. and it’s like, okay what if i came in that friday, but had a bunch of massage appointments? it would be the same thing (only worse b/c the extra laundry), they can’t count on me all the time. *sigh*

anyway. one of the girls was talking about it today, which, we get along fine, but she was telling me how our boss was complaining to her, then she went off kinda about how this is the only job i’ll have that will be that flexible and etc, and she was really kind of putting me in a bad mood. she hates this job more than i do, but the fact that she feels she has to tell me how the “real world is” or whatever.. like.. she was above me and knew more or something, and it really bothered me for some reason. does that make sense?

so.. i was stressed and annoyed about that, and i ate. grr.

now i feel a little sicky.

half of me wants to drink lots of water and do something to get my mind off this, and walking around a little helped me realize i don’t really need the junk.

the other half is screaming “CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE!!” and wants to eat even though i know i’ll get even more sicky and i’ll hate myself and rue my blubberous body.

i normally would just eat more, but i’m going to try to be STRONG AND NOT EAT ANYMORE JUNK FOOD. lots of water, distractions, .. idk. i can do this.

right?

today was very roller-coaster-ish.

i didn’t have to work, and i had planned with my mom to go shopping for my sister’s 18th birthday tomorrow. we weren’t planning on leaving until ten or eleven, so i was like “sweet, enough time to wake up early and workout”

no. i slept in. i suck.

i am completely HORRIBLE at getting myself out of bed. any tricks for that???

 so, i felt poopy. but, i had an apple and yogurt for breakfast, and water before we headed off, so i was feeling good.

then, we stopped for lunch.

my mom loves village inn, and always gets the cobb salad, which i was like, fine, i can get a salad, too, no big deal. but for some reason, she decided she DIDN’T want a salad, and i did the very very bad thing of looking at the menu, and then i became completely confused. i got a bacon cheeseburger (comes with fries) and my mom got an omelette (comes with hashbrowns and pancakes).. we ended up splitting our meals so both of us had half of each. safe to say, i ate a lot, but it didn’t *feel* like a lot, but my mom made the comment about me eating a lot.. so… grr. i didn’t feel stuffed though. but i knew in my head i ate too many calories. which, that is bad when you don’t feel like how much you ate. i DON’T want my stomach getting used to having tons of food, you know??

augh, i can’t concentrate ,my parents are being loud. okay. anyway.

we went shopping next, and this guy came up and started hitting on me, which was funny and a little ego boosting. first he asked if we were sisters (duh, that was definately a line), and then said i was beautiful and wanted to give me his number? oh, and he said he thought i looked 21, 22, which was good, because most people think i’m still in high school (i’m 20). but… a little part of me starting thinking, okay, what if it was a bet with friends, try to find a fat, ugly girl to hit on or something.. you know? so… that kind of let the air out of my balloon. idk.

uummm.. we went into vanity, and if you guys don’t know the store, i always want to go in it but the clothes are so cute, they look like it’s skinnies-only. but i got a couple pants, which is AWESOME because since i’ve gained weight i can’t fit into my old pants (SUCKS) so i’ve been wearing my sister’s (UGH). plus, the sizes aren’t numbered (ie, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, etc..), they are labeled by inches (waist x inseam), so that doesn’t make me feel bad, because i’m not used to those types of labeling, so i’m completely ignorant about my size. lol. does that make sense?

then, i went down a little more when i was trying on shirts.. usually shirts are easiest for me to find, but again.. i’ve gotten fat. back rolls are SO prominent in shirts, as well as my tummy pudge and my huge flabby triceps. i got only one shirt, and it’s white and pink stripes.. thick horizontal. i thought it would look bad because horizontal stripes are supposed to make you look wider, but they also help hide my back rolls (they blend into the fabric lol) so it’s all good. my arms are still flabby though.

ummmmm. then we went to a couple other stores, got my sister a present, which made me happy, and went to walmart and tried on a swimsuit, which made me super depressed.

i just finished baking her cake, it’s a two-layer-triple-chocolate type thing, with pink cream cheese frosting and melted white chocolate drizzles. all homemade i’m going to add a photo to show you all, i’m so proud lol. my goal is to NOT EAT THAT TOMORROW. which, we are doing it in the morning before she goes to school, so i should be good.

right after work, we are going to blacklight-mini-golf and out to dinner, so i won’t be able to work out, so i am going to get up and work out!!!!! I MEAN IT!!!! lol. i saw a picture of britney spears and how good she is looking, and i want to do that. ideally i’d love to lose the back rolls, thin my thighs and arms, and lose my belly pooch by the time i leave for europe, but that’s the beginning of june, so… that probably isn’t reality. if i pushed myself and worked out a lot, and didn’t eat ANY junk at all, maybe. i need something to keep my motivation up all day long. hmmm. any suggestions??

so, i am off, i hope everybody has a good hump day tomorrow!!!